


i want you

by ragingskzstan



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Boys Kissing, Cuddles, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Minimal Angst cause idk how to write it, No Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Short Chapters, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, everyone is soft, idk how to write oops, illegal drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2019-08-04 01:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 27,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ragingskzstan/pseuds/ragingskzstan
Summary: seungmin has been in love with hyunjin since the very beginning. when he finally meets the love of his life, he would do anything to make him his.even when the charming jeongin, a "straight", snatches hyunjin away before seungmin can.◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇─────◇──◇─◇lowercase is intentional.some chapters are lettersshort chapters.





	1. i still love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii, this is my first time writing on this platform, but ive written other ffs before. like one other lol. 
> 
> im writing as i go, so if you have any suggestions, please do comment!

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                      20221016

dear hyunjin,                                                                         

 

 i don't know if you remember the first time we met. it was a few years ago. school had just ended for the day and it was pouring outside. you extended your hand out to feel the droplets of water then started to walk home, like you usually do. you were immediately soaked. i saw you had an umbrella sticking out of your backpack but you didn't even use it. so i took out my umbrella and ran after you. i covered you with my umbrella but you didn't look at me, you were just looking down. i was so confused. i asked if you wanted me to walk you home, all you did was breath out. so i did. we walked in silence for like ten minutes until you stopped on the porch of a house, presumably yours. you whispered a 'thank you' but you didn't go inside. i closed the umbrella and asked if you were going to go in. instead of answering, you sat down on the ground and said, "i've seen you around school with your friends." i just looked at you, not knowing what to say. "where are your friends? why aren't you with them?" you asked. i chuckled and you looked up, confused.

"you just walked out in the rain, you have an umbrella but you didn't use it. you kept walking not caring that you were soaked in seconds." i answered, you looked down at your hands again, "i just wanted to do something nice." you looked up with a small smile and patted the spot next to you. i sat down and you shifted your body to face me. i did the same. i looked into your beautiful brown eyes and i knew it wasn't just a small crush anymore. you smiled a little and my gaze moved to your rosy, plump lips making my heart race. then, a smirk replaced your sweet smile. i blinked quickly, looking away. my face got hot and my heart accelerated even faster. "what?" you asked, and i could hear the smile laced in your voice. i looked back at you and i realized you were holding back a laugh.

"nothing." i said quickly. do you realize how embarrassing that was for me? i was gonna run away but at the same time i didn't want to leave. it was the first time i had ever talked to you and i fell for you so quickly! what kind of sorcery did you do on me, hwang hyunjin?! tell me why your stupid eyes and even stupider lips made me fall for you? i knew it was weird, to this day i acknowledge that it was crazy, hyunjin. but that day, in that moment, i loved you.

i can't believe i hadn't talked to you sooner. felix and changbin were always pushing me to talk to you, they literally pushed me. one day they tripped me and i almost ran into you. to my luck, you didn't notice. you never noticed me, hyunjin. but i noticed you. you are so beautiful. i've always thought that. i saw you in the halls all the time, hiding your beautiful face with your hair. i had the urge to go up to you and push those strands out of your face. now, i'm glad i didn't. i love the story of how we met, you didn't even know my friends were the ones who told me to go after you. my umbrella was actually chan's. he told me that i had to go save you from the rain and be your knight in shining armor. i almost didn't go. but i saw you shiver in the cold touch of the water drops and my body acted on its own.

after that day, we slowly became friends. and throughout the 2 remaining years of high school, i slowly fell deeper in love with you. everyone knew but you. it drove me crazy. i was in love with you. i loved you so much.

i still love you.

 

 

with too much love,

seungmin kim

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my writing is probably all over the place lmao. but its a letter so that makes it more natural (?) i guess. 
> 
> ANYWAYS, thank you for reading (if anyone does) !!! 
> 
> i really hope you enjoyed. (and follow me on twt @ minglossjr) heheee


	2. friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am you is SUCH A BOP

**_hyunjin's pov_ **

 

"i hate my life and everyone living on this piece of shit earth." i whined. seungmin put his hand on his chest and fell back on the wall pretending like he just took a bullet to the heart. i rolled my eyes and laughed.

"the only thing that can make me somewhat happy is plugging in my earbuds and blasting music in my ears until my brain starts to ache. but i lost my earbuds and im too broke to buy new ones." i said, ignoring the dramatic pose that he's still in. i shoved him playfully and he groaned.

"what about me?" seungmin pouted, "don't i make you happy?" he batted his eyelashes. i crossed my arms and snorted. "dude, im your only friend. i know i make you happy." he said as he sat upright again.

"goddammit. youre right." i snapped my fingers and tsked, "you do make me happy, youre my only friend. without you i would be sitting in this class, all alone and sad, with no one to talk to." although my voice was sarcastic, it was the truth and i knew it. he smiled adorably and put his back on the wall.

everyone is just so loud. and rude. our poor teacher is trying to teach but these unwanted students keep jumping off of desks and screeching with their disgusting rat-like voices. they've made mrs. jeon cry literally thousands of times, probably out of anger and frustration, im surprised she hasn't quit. i would quit. i would drop out. im seriously contemplating whether or not i _actually_ need education. i can't wait to get out of this hell. but i have two years left. time, please go faster.

someone needs to come in here and body slam every person in this room. not me though, im fragile. i think i can take them though. these kids are losers too. im just the biggest loser in this school of losers. can i just go home and cry?

literally the only people who have talked to me are the people who were forced into a group project with me. they usually avoided talking to me even then. i gave them a reason to, i was always rude and ignored people. seungmin literally doesn't care. the day i met him, he basically forced his company on me, and i let him.

he wants me to meet his friends so we could all hang out together, but im not ready yet. im barely getting completely comfortable with him. he also says his friends are "dying" to meet me.. i doubt it.

"are you free saturday?" he asked, interrupting my wandering mind.

"why?" 

"i just wanna hang out." i looked at him suspiciously, squinting my eyes dramatically.

"with your friends?" another pause.

"no..." he said after a few seconds then chuckled. i knew he was lying but i decided to suck it up and stop being a little kid.

"fine. where do you wanna "hang out" then?"

"wait are you serious?" his lips forming a smile, i nodded and shrugged slightly, "sure, but where is it gonna be?"

"my house, i'll send you the address right now." he pulled out his phone and typed excitedly. my phone vibrated in my pocket and he looked at me with expectant eyes. i rolled my eyes, a smile slowly creping on my face as i took out my phone and texted back a 'thanks'. seungmin giggled at the text and slipped his hand back into his pocket and pulled out a mess of tangled earbuds.

"if you can untangle these, theyre yours." he tossed them at me and smiled. i caught them and gave them back.

"they're literally a knot, i would never be able to untangle them with these fingers." i wiggled my fingers next to my face and he laughed, "and even if i could, they're yours. i cant take them."

"aww" he cooed, "does this mean you actually have a heart instead of a black hole in that chest of yours?" he asked sarcastically. i rolled my eyes smacked his hand away from pinching my cheek.

"well, first of all," he pulled another pair of earbuds out of his pocket, "i have two." he stuffed them back in, "and second of all, i want you to have them."

"are you sure?" i didnt now why he was being so nice to me, he already did the most just by talking to me. seungmin nodded and untangled them himself. he gave them back to me and waited for me to take them. i stayed frozen, confused.

"why are you giving them to me?"

seungmin shrugged, "i like to spoil my friends." he said simply. he sees me as a friend? holy shit. is this what having friends is like?

"just take them." he grabbed my hand, spread out my fingers, put the earbuds on the palm of my hand and enclosed my fingers around them. he chuckled softly. we only met like a month ago, i mean sure he looked for me and always talked to me since then, but i didn't know that's what friendship was. i thought he just wanted to annoy me.

"friends?" i asked incredulously.

"yeah, of course we're friends."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i made a plan to update every thursday, maybe even some fridays.
> 
> im also wondering where this story is gonna go, how its going to end. i had a storyline planned out but idk maybe i'll change it up, make it more angsty. hehe. idk
> 
> thanks for reading!! and thank you so much for the kudos, they make me so happyyy!


	3. liar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im back hehehhe.. also please remember to read who's pov it is because i've gotten confused in these types of stories. i mean im dumb but idk about yall.

**_seungmin's pov_ **

 

"is it wrong that i know hyunjin has social anxiety yet i lied to him about you guys coming over to hang out with us?" i asked suddenly. chan gaped at me and jisung hit my arm. woojin pursed his lips and closed his eyes, obviously thinking im some kind of idiot. minho kind of chuckled incredulously. no one said anything for a while, we just sat in silence while the rest of our classmates were having crazed fun. "yall, its not that deep..." i said, trying to convince myself more than them.

"oh my god you're actually an idiot!" minho breathed out and rolled his eyes.

felix and changbin ran up to us and sensed something was wrong. "what happened?" asked felix tilting his head a little, making his blond bangs shift out of place. he looked at all of us and i half shrugged at him. he looked at changbin and changbin looked back at him. woojin looked at me and made a hand gesture telling me to explain.

"uh, well, you guys are gonna meet hyunjin tomorrow!" i said with a nervous smile. changbin smirked, "we're finally gonna meet your boyfriend?" i opened my mouth to say no, but i really didn't want to say no, so i just closed my mouth and left it at that.  "but?" jisung said, hitting my arm again. i sighed loudly, "BUT he has social anxiety and he doesn't know you guys are gonna be there..."

"oh my god, seungmin!" exclaimed felix, "why didn't you tell him? what if he freaks out and never talks to you again for betraying him?" i thought about it for a second. well, when you put it like that... shit. i started nervously sweating, "you guys were the ones that wanted to meet him!" i argued. "yeah, but he said he wasn't ready and we respected that!" woojin finally said. i put my hands to my temples and groaned.

"and at that moment he knew..." felix started, "he fucked up." minho finished, laughing loudly in seungmin's ear. i rolled my eyes at them as they high fived, "literally, shut up before i throw a desk at you." i growled. felix clamped his hand on his mouth to try to keep himself from laughing.

"well, you did fuck up." minho said, putting his hand on my back. "i know i did," i said moving away from his hand, "but im in a crisis and i don't know what to do!" my voice crescendoing.

"honestly, the only thing you can do is tell him the truth." chan said. i turned to him and shook my head. "or we could all just not go." he pouted. "but i really want you guys to meet him, he's a little dark-ish i guess, but he's so cute and his smile is just..." i pretended to faint. "OH MY GOD, YOU'RE SO WHIPPED!" felix shouted over everyone. the class got quiet and i kicked him. felix's eyes widened a bit and he sat down, softly chuckling. "oops."

"i guess i'll just tell him then." i decided as the class got back to what they were doing.

"yes, thank you." changbin said, "we can't force him to meet us."

"yeah, i know."

"what were you thinking?" woojin asked, laughing.

"i just wanted him to meet you guys so he could get out of his shell a little more." i pouted.

"well, im happy we finally get to meet him." jisung pinched my cheeks and minho slapped his hand away. jisung grimaced and apologized with a discreet smile at his boyfriend.

"dude, im honestly getting nervous to meet him now." felix said, tucking his hair behind his ear.

"why?"

"because ive heard he's rude to, like, everyone."

"well, that's a complete lie, he's really sweet." felix smiled and nodded.

***

i finally saw hyunjin at his locker in between classes and i ran up to him. "hey hyunjinnnie!" he jumped a little and gasped softly. he turned to face me and smiled sarcastically. "oops, sorry i didn't mean to startle you!"

"nah, its fine. i'm just not completely used to anyone stopping by at my locker." he said, his smile turning more sincere. "well get used to it, i'll be coming here everyday like i have been for the past month!" hyunjin rolled his eyes, but laughed softly. my heart melted at his little laugh, i had to stop myself from kissing his little nose. he just makes me so soft like i've never experienced before. i linked my arm with his and we started walking to our class. i repeated everything i told myself in the bathroom mirror an hour earlier, i looked up at him and sighed loudly.

"hey, i've been meaning to tell you..."

"what?" he said nonchalantly.

"about tomorrow..."

"yeah?"

"my friends are going to be there too." i looked for his eyes expectantly, he turned his head down towards me with a cute ass smile.

"yeah, i know." i tilted my head in confusion. "has anyone ever told you you're the worst liar, like, ever?" he laughed. i actually have been told that before, i don't know why i keep trying.

i laughed with him, "yeah, ive been told that before." he shook his head, "so you agreed even though you knew they were coming." he nodded as we arrived to the class. "does that mean you're finally ready to meet my friends?"

"yeah, i'm ready." he said as he waved at mrs. jeon with a kind smile, "i'm a little nervous, but im ready."

i relieved the breath i didn't know i was holding, and sat down next to him, "don't be nervous, they're excited to meet you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is there even main characters in these types of stories?? lol while writing the previous sentence i realized there is because im only going to do seungmin, hyunjin, and jeongin's pov, not the rest of the members. idk if it'll work out but i'll try my hardest. i like this concept(?) cause you get first person limited but then you get the other character's perspective too. like maybe you think one person is all good and kind-hearted but you see what that character did to others through the eyes of their friends, not just the main character... you know?
> 
> also, omg thank you for the kudos!! im a little surprised people read it cause there's so many stories to choose from and I thought mine would just get lost in the sea that is ao3 lol.


	4. skinny love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the second letter!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                              20221101

 

dear seungmin,

 

 i don't know why you didn't just text me, you have my phone number, we also don't live that far away. i mean, we share the same dorm. anyways, i do remember the first time we met. of course i do, how could i forget? looking back, it was one of the happiest days of my life. i made my first friend on that day, you became my best friend, i could never, ever forget that. i was confused because someone intentionally came to talk to... me. i always wondered why you did that... you came into my life and brought happiness, love, friendship, and hope. everything i saw around me that i didn't have, you gave me because through you i made amazing friends. my best friends. nothing could make me forget the way one person changed my life completely.

 also, i know you still have a crush on me. you make it so obvious. you were obvious even then, that first day. you made it seem like you weren't trying to be discreet at all, i was shocked. as we walked to my house, you always brushed your shoulder against mine, and you kept sneaking glances at me. well, since you know i saw you staring at my lips, i honestly wanted to tease you a bit cause I'm mean, but you got up quickly, your face red and you avoided eye contact. you looked so nervous, i almost laughed in your face. you looked so cute.

 everyone else knew, but you didn't know that i had a crush on you too. well, i don't know if i would call it a crush. i guess you could just say i was... interested in you. before i met you, i always saw you being loud and annoying in class, the hallways, the cafeteria, everywhere you went you were having fun with your friends. you stood out to me the most though. well, you and felix, but felix was very obviously taken by a possessive changbin. the first time i noticed you guys was in the cafeteria on the first day of freshman year. you guys were literally the loudest people there. i almost walked over there to punch all of you in the throat. but as i got closer i saw how happy you were, felix sitting on top of changbin, his arms wrapped tightly around felix's waist, chan threw a couple pieces of chicken at woojin so he picked them up and yelled, "HOW DARE YOU THROW MY BABIES AROUND LIKE THAT?!", and you, minho, and jisung were cackling at a joke that i couldn't hear. as i walked to your table, you were the only on that noticed me, we made eye contact and your laugh faltered. your face was flushed, either from all the oxygen not being able to reach your brain or because of me, but you still smiled. my heart rate sped up so quickly i almost tripped over air. i walked past your table and didn't dare look at you anymore.

after that day, i never made eye contact with you again (until the day we met, obviously). but i always saw you, laughing, playing, being a pain in the ass for our teachers. i never stopped finding you and your friends annoying, but every time i saw you smile, i smiled too. that's how i knew i was... interested in you.

a couple weeks after we became friends, i saw you making out with that guy on your couch, that's why i was upset at you at the party. i still liked you though. but then, because i didn't want to fall in love with you, i moved on. turns out, according to chan, that you wanted to look for me, but you, being a drunken teenager, couldn't even move, so you sat there, talking to the guy and he kissed you. ANYWAYS, a couple years later, here we are, laughing, playing, being pains in our professor's asses, you know, just having the time of our lives. now i can smile with all of you. there's nothing i did to deserve that, but damn, i'm so lucky you thought i was cute.

 

 

just-text-me-don't-send-letters-you-old-man,

hyunjin hwang

 

 

p.s. i still think you're cute as hell, and i still love your smile. its perfect. but my days of waiting are long gone.

i'm probably going to sound like a dick but its time to move on, it's been too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these letters are still all over the place, im sorry lol, but i still hoped you liked this letter!!  
>  
> 
> thank you for the kudos *cries* i really appreciate every single one of them <3


	5. miracle worker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahahah i am back! i was supposed to update last week but i was really sick... i went to the hospital and i just got discharged like two days ago! 
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO: long-ish chapter cause i missed last week's update c:
> 
>  
> 
> i didn't read over it cause im lazy oof, if yall notice any mistakes, lmk in the comments hehe

**_hyunjin's pov_ **

 

it's saturday morning. saturday. the day i meet all of seungmin's friends. oh hell no. i don't even know what i'm supposed to wear. i rolled out of bed and grabbed my phone from the nightstand. no password. there's no need for one. i clicked the contacts app and found seungmin's almost immediately. i pressed 'call' and put it on speaker as i go to my closet.

 _"you have reached the voicemail of 28-"_ i hung up and called again, if he's not awake yet i'll wake him up with the annoying ass ringtone i put for my contact on his phone. _"you hav-"_  i threw my phone on my bed and clasped my hands together while looking through my clothes. a couple minutes later i had already given up and sat down on the floor of my closet and did nothing.

"well, i guess i cant go." i said sarcastically to myself.  as i started to get up, my phone rang. my body flew on my bed and i searched for my phone quickly. i threw pillows on the floor and felt around for the hard surface of the phone but to no avail. standing up, i grabbed my blanket and shook it around until i heard it hit the ground somewhere. i closed my eyes and held my breath. eyes now open, i turned around, got on my knees and crawled towards my phone. i released the air from my lungs when no cracks were visible. i sat on the floor with my legs crossed and turned it on: one missed call from seungmin. my phone vibrated in my hands and the screen changed to show a stupid picture of my only friend, the name read fucc boi. i chuckled at the name and answered.

"seungmin, you piece of crap, why didn't you answer your phone?"

"you didn't answer either!"

"pfft, okay but its expected of me not to answer the phone, not the other way around!" i whined into the phone. seungmin giggled and sighed loudly.

"so what the fuck do you want so early in the morning?" seungmin asked, laughter still laced through his words. i tsked and checked the time, "awww did i wake the cute little sleepy puppy up?" i cooed, "its nine in the morning, you should've already been up." i said interrupting his protests at the nickname. he hates when i call him a cute puppy, i would've stopped calling him that if it didn't make him blush like crazy.

 "nobody gets up at this time on a saturday."

"i do."

"exactly."

"oh wow, okay, i see how you feel." i responded, fake hurt in my voice.

"i'm kidding, hyunjin." seungmin said after laughing at his joke for a full minute, "anyways, what did you want?"

"i need help," i responded with a sigh, "can you come over?"

"sure"

 

***

 

  ** _seungmin's pov_**

 

i shook jisung's little body to wake him up, he stirred in his sleep but didn't open his eyes. i flicked his forehead once. twice. jisung's eyes fluttered open, "what the fuck..." his voice full of sleepy slurs. i rolled away from him quickly before he realized what i just did. "did you just..."

"shut up," i interrupted, "im leaving, i just didn't want you to wake up and not know i left." i stood up and grabbed a sweater then headed to the restroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. i popped my head out of the restroom, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, "oh, and you can eat cereal or whatever you want!" jisung shushed me in his sleep and put a pillow over his head. i spit, rinsed my mouth, and put on my jacket. i walked out of my restroom and headed out.

"where are you going?" jisung yelled from the room.

"hyunjin's," i yelled back grabbing my keys from the counter, "he said he needed help with something!"

"help with his boner?" he asked, cackling at himself. i rolled my eyes at his dirty joke with a smile.

"no, you idiot!" i mockingly laughed at the joke. well, i actually don't know what he needs help with... but its probably not _that_.

i opened the door and locked it from the inside. i walked into the cool breeze of the beginning of autumn and walked towards hyunjin's house.

***

_knock knock_

i waited for the door to open, the cold wind nipping at my exposed skin making my face redden.

_knockknockknockknockknock_

"open the door its fucking cold out here!" i yelled. i pulled out my phone to text hyunjin. in that moment, the door opened showing an adorable little girl. she looked up at me and smiled hyunjin's smile.

"hyunjinnie told me to open the door," she said with a sweet voice, "are you his friend?"

"umm, yes, i am his friend." i answered, kneeling down to match her height, "are you hyunjin's little sister?" the girl nodded and didn't move to let me in, i stayed in place, "so can i come in?" i asked, getting a bit annoyed.

"minji, why haven't you let him in?" hyunjin's voice asked from somewhere in the house. minji turned around, "you only said to open the door!" she whined.

"isn't it obvious you should let him in?" hyunjin asked, walking up to the door standing next to his little sister. he looked at me with a weary expression and sighed.

"no." she retorted. turning on her heels, she stomped on hyunjin's foot and walked away with her small fists balled at her sides. hyunjin grimaced and exhaled.

"so are you coming in or not?" he asked, turning in my direction. i laughed and stepped in, "wow, your little sister is-"

"a brat?" he interrupted, "yeah, i know. we spoil her too much." hyunjin closed the door and walked to his room and i followed. we went into his room and threw himself on his bed with a loud groan. i sat down on one of his chairs and laughed at him.

"so what did you need help with?" i asked. hyunjin turned his head towards me and sighed, "i don't know what to wear."

"just wear clothes." hyunjin squinted his pretty eyes at me and shook his head. "please help." he pouted.

"wear something casual." i walked towards his closet and pulled out a plain black shirt and ripped blue jeans. he set them next to me on the bed and went back to pull out a pair of all black converse high tops.

"this would work." i looked at the clothes and nodded, hyunjin jumped up and ran to the restroom with the clothes in his hands. while he changed i picked out a pair of black ripped jeans and a red shirt. he came out and posed dramatically.

"ew, stop it." i grimaced at him, "you're such a dork."

"you dress like one."

i gripped my chest and fell to the floor, "it's always the quiet ones!" i yelled in fake pain. hyunjin snorted and sat down next to me. i looked up at his smiling face and i smiled back, my cheeks flushed a bit, they always do when he smiles. he looked away, but i didn't. i checked him out with the outfit that i picked out for him and damn he looks good. i mean he always looks good, even with the school uniform, but he looks ten times more handsome like this.

"what?" hyunjin asked. i blinked in shock at having been caught staring again.

"n-nothing." i answered nervously, looking back up at his face. our eyes met and i swallowed hard. hyunjin raised his eyebrows at me and shook his head slightly, looking away with a smile. how can i not fall for him?

"um, i was checking if the outfit works. and it does. you look good. handsome." i blabbered until i realized what i was saying. his eyes found mine again and he chuckled softly.

"yeah?" he asked, amusement evident in his tone.

"um, yeah." i sat up, "i'm a miracle worker, aren't i?" i joked trying to cover up what i just said. hyunjin rolled his eyes and stood in front of the mirror to see what miracle seungmin performed. 

"yeah, i like it."

"obviously, i picked it." i answered obnoxiously. i checked the time and it was already past eleven. "hyunjin!" i called.

"what?" he yelled from the bathroom.

"i have to go." i said walking into the restroom, he looked at me from the mirror and nodded, "i should go get ready too."

"alright then, see you later."

"yeah, bye~" as i turned around to leave, a hand slapped the back of my head. i turned back around ready to punch a hoe, "you little bitc-"

"thanks for the help, miracle worker." hyunjin said with a toothy smile. he hugged me then pushed me out of his room. i chuckled and yelled a 'you're welcome' from the other side of the door, then let myself out of his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii 
> 
>  im sorry jeongin hasn't appeared yet c: but fret not, soon he will....
> 
> i just realized that this story is going by soooooooooooooooo slowly. like everything is happening really slowly. maybe i should update more often to get this story going.
> 
> also, thank you for reading and the kudos, like every kudos makes me happy and idk i feel like uwuing


	6. overthinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... last week was thanksgiving break... idk i just took a break haha
> 
>    
> ANYWAYS, im back with a new update uwu
> 
>  
> 
> i might post another chapter later in the day today...

**_seungmin's pov_ **

 

"jisungie~" i yelled as i stepped into my house. jisung was laying on the ground in front of the t.v., watching a random drama. he ignored me so i went over and put my foot on his face. jisung groaned obnoxiously and slapped my foot.

"you brought clothes for the little get-together?" i asked him as i sat down in front of him and leaned down to use this tummy as a pillow. "nah, i'll just use this." he answered sarcastically, pointing at his squirrel onesie. i didn't answer and sat up to look at him, he looked back at me with his eyebrows raised in question.

"can i tell you something?" jisung sat up, shifting to get comfortable, he nodded and crossed his legs, " yeah, is everything okay?"

"yeah i just-" i paused, repeating everything in my head, "okay well-" i sighed and rubbed my face.

"dude, it's fine," jisung said, "take your time." he patted my knee softly. i nodded and recollected my thoughts. after a minute, i guess i finally knew what i wanted to say, "its just... what if you guys don't like him? what if _he_ doesn't like you guys? do i have to stop being his friend? will _he_ stop being my friend?"

jisung scrunched up his eyebrows then rolled his eyes, "that's it?" i nodded with a little pout. "oh my god," jisung laughed, "sure we get annoyed about how much you talk about him but he seems great, he's funny, weird, stupid, ." he said matter-of-factly, "honestly." jisung added. i looked at him and smiled, then frowned, "you guys get annoyed that i talk about hyunjin a lot?" jisung's shoulders tensed and his eyes widened a little, then he nodded and laughed, relaxing and throwing his back on the ground.

"yeah, all of us get annoyed, but its okay." jisung snorted, "we understand, it happens to all of us."

i shrugged and stood up, "let's go get ready." i ordered, "you take a shower in my restroom and i'll take a shower in my brother's."

jisung groaned and kicked his legs out like a child throwing a fit, "i just layed down!" he whined, "i'm so comfortable already!" i took off one of my socks and threw it at his face, jisung screamed. he got up, my sock balled in his fist, and threw it as hard as he could. i dodged it and ran to my room, laughing hysterically, jisung grabbed the sock from the floor and chased after me yelling like tarzan. i closed my bedroom door in front of his face and taunted him through the door like a kid. "i swear i'll kick your ass, _minnie_!" he yelled from the other side of the door and hit the door. i opened it before he could hit the door again, my other sock in one hand.

"call me minnie again." i smirked evilly, "i dare you."

jisung raised his eyebrows, also smirking, his grip tightened on the sock and he raised his fist as if he was about to throw it. i mimicked his movements and squinted my eyes at him.

"min-" i threw my sock at his face before he could finish and slammed the door in his face again. jisung screeched from outside, i snickered into my arm. a knock sounded and i tensed. "can i just get my clothes?" jisung sighed.

"whatever, loser." i said opening the door, he walked in and tossed my balled up sock on the bed. "take a shower and get ready." jisung nodded and rolled his eyes.

"im older than you!" he whined as he walked towards my restroom, he opened the restroom door and stepped inside. he closed the door slowly, making uncomfortable eye contact with me, "stop telling your elder what to do," he paused and smirked, "minnie!" he closed the small gap left and laughed manically in the restroom. i ran towards the entrance and threw my sock at the door.

"STOP CALLING ME MINNIE!" i shrieked. he answered 'no' and turned on the water to take a shower. i grabbed my already picked out clothes and left the room to do the same.

 

***

 

**_jisung's pov_ **

 

i close my eyes and let the hot water fall on my head and travel to the rest of my body. i open my eyes and scrunch my eyebrows together.

does seungmin actually think we would ask him to stop being hyunjin's friend? why wouldn't we like hyunjin? and why does he think hyunjin wouldn't like us? are we not likeable?

i pout and shake my head, removing those thoughts from my mind. i tried focusing on washing my hair but the worry grew in me even more.

i think we're pretty cool people. but what if hyunjin doesn't like us? if hyunjin doesn't like us, what will seungmin do?

no. seungmin would never leave us. why would i even think that? we've known each other for so long and... have been through so much. he wouldn't leave us for some random _crush._

 

_right?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading, i really hope you enjoyed!! i had fun writing this bc they're literally me and my best friend hehe 


	7. i'm sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a messy person and that reflects on my writing.. @ me!!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                                              20221107

 

dear hyunjin,

 

do you want the truth? well you can't answer right now since this is a letter, but i'll tell you anyways. i will probably never stop loving you. that was too forthright but i had to tell you. what i feel started out as a crush but, oh god, i'm so in love with you now. i never even thought you would ever like me back so i just dismissed your flirty comments and back hugs and cuddles because you're like that with all eight of us to this day. i know you're over it and me but i'm really sorry about that night. i didn't know you saw and i didn't know you would care if i kissed another guy. i'm just really sorry.

you knew that i liked you and you even know now, so why didn't you say anything? was it because i never told you? i was too late too tell you and i admitted my feelings in a damn letter. i can't believe you actually liked me and i can't believe felix didn't tell me. he loves this type of drama and he didn't tell me. oh my gosh, did you threaten him?! hahahaaa...

can we just forget that kiss happened? and that guy? and that you moved on already? this is killing me. i mean i still appreciate and love being your friend. i just want to take you on dates, and hold your hand, and kiss you, and cuddle, and make you laugh and smile and be happy as more than just one of your friends.

but then again, maybe it _is_ time to move on. you're right. this _has_ been going on for far too long. it hurts to even try anymore, you'll never reciprocate my feelings anymore, so it's my turn to let go of this "crush". this is so hard because i know i'll never truly get over you. but i'll try. i promise you and myself i'll get over these feelings.

but how could i? how could i get over you when you have the most gorgeous smile i've ever seen? you have the most perfect lips. you have beautiful eyes and a cute ass nose. that cute little mole under your eye is so adorable. you have the most precious laugh and the way you scrunch up your nose melts my heart. you have the bounciest and softest hair its even fun to watch. you have such delicately soft hands. other than that, you're one of the most caring people i will ever meet. you have such a kind heart no matter how much you say you hate everyone. you're literally so intelligent, i mean, you're on your way to becoming an astrophysicist. you're not even a quarter into the time you have to be in school to become one but you will! you love us all so much, we can all see it in your eyes. you show so much affection it almost bothers all of us. you're so goofy and actually hilarious that everyone's in tears after hanging out with you. you can also make the most bomb tteokbokki, like please teach me your ways? (and make some when you read this please cause i've been craving some for days).

that quiet and hateful boy showed everyone who he truly was, a loving and affectionate friend, all he needed was friends who loved him, who trusted him and who he could trust. you turned that crush into love because of who you are. to be honest, i only liked your face when i first saw you, i was actually a little scared to come up to you because you always looked angry and sometimes sad. at the same time, i wanted to comfort you and ask if i can help in any way. i always wanted to see you smile. i probably sound cheesy as hell but its the whole damn truth. i'm so glad i was harshly shoved towards you. i can't see myself without you anymore, it feels like we were destined to meet each other.

 i don't regret anything.

EXCEPT that kiss with jungwoo. i've said this a couple times but it doesn't hurt to say it again: i'm sorry.

 

 

your friend,

seungmin kim

 

p.s. i like sending letters so i'm not gonna stop. deal with it.


	8. han jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> psa: i haven't read over it lol sorry if there's mistakes!!

**_hyunjin's pov_ **

 

"hey, i'm hyunjin hwang, i've heard so much about you!"

oh god, what the hell was that? try again.

"yo, what's poppin', the name's hwang, hyu-"

i'm not even gonna finish that. fuck. i'm standing on seungmin's front porch, and i don't know what to say, what am i supposed to say when i meet his friends?! i arrived at his house a little early. a couple hours early. 3 hours early. should i just go home and be "fashionably late"?

as soon as i turned to leave, the door opened. i froze in my spot.

"um," a familiar voice said, "hey." the boy chuckled. i turned around to find a guy that i recognized to be one of seungmin's friends. he smiled up at me, when i didn't smile back, his lip twitched slightly and he sighed. "so do you wanna come in or-"

"jisungie~" seungmin sang from his living room, "who's at the door~" he walked up behind the door and opened it wider so he could see who it was. "hyunjin!" he gasped, "you're here!" he cracked a wide smile and took my arm and pulled me into his house hurriedly without letting me take in my surroundings. i gasped at his sudden outburst, which i should be used to by now, and was dragged into a room that i guessed was his. "so what are you doing here so early?" seungmin asked as he seated us on his bed.

"well i had nothing to do..." i responded as jisung walked in and reached out his arm towards me. "hey hyunjin, my name's han jisung, seungminnie's role model." he explained with a growing smile, i took his hand and stood up, not knowing what to say since he already knew my name. "hi, i'm hyunjin's frien- i mean i'm seungm-" i threw myself back on the bed.

"oh my god, i'm sorry." jisung chuckled and jumped on the bed, nearly crushing seungmin, "don't worry about it," he looked at me with a bright smile, "i know who you are." he looked at seungmin with an obnoxious grin and seungmin rolled his eyes at him.

"i see how you're his role model," i laughed, "you make that same creepy face!" i sat up and scrunched by nose at them. jisung gasped loudly, basically screaming, and slapped both hands on his chest in fake hurt.

"ah fuuuck," he wailed, "i'm cute, not creepy!" i snorted and mouthed an 'okay' at seungmin. jisung shot up and jumped in front of me. he framed the bottom of his face, jutted out his bottom lip, and made puppy eyes. he blinked several times in my face. "stop, oh my god, get some help!" seungmin laughed and i chuckled, "please do."

"oh wow," jisung said, "no matter what i do, no one reacts well to my aegyo!" he whined and plopped down on the floor like a child.

after a long, awkward pause, seungmin cleared his throat and got up, he clapped his hands together and spoke into an invisible microphone, "so hyunjin, why don't you tell us something about yourself that i don't know?"

he handed me the 'microphone' and nodded expectantly. i sighed and shifted in place in thought. "okay, here's something you don't know: i rap." i responded. jisung made a sound of excitement and jumped up on the bed in front of me, "bitch, i do too!" he exclaimed, he scooted closer to me, our noses almost touching, i gulped and backed away a little, "do you write your own raps too?" he leaned forward in overwhelming proximity.

"n-no..." i responded, his eyes changed to confusion and his eyes showed realization, he backed away and apologized. seungmin cleared his throat once again, "well okay, now you know jisung is a wild animal." he spoke sarcastically.

"sis, we been knew!" jisung hollered with a savage glint in his eyes.

"get ouuuut." seungmin grimaced at jisung and pointed to his bedroom door. jisung pouted and shook his head and made a noise of disagreement. "anyways," seungmin moved on, "jisung, tell him something about you."

jisung smiled, "i make music on soundcloud!" i made an 'o' shape with my lips and nodded in surprise, "i have a soundcloud but i don't upload anything, i just listen to the music."

"you should follow me on soundcloud!" he shouted, "its not just me though, its also two of our other friends!" i took out my phone from my pocket and opened the music app, "so what's your username on here?"

"3racha." he answered.

"bitch..." i gaped at him and dropped my phone on the bed.

jisung tilted his head in confusion. "what's wrong?" seungmin asked.

"BITCH!" i yelled, "you're 3racha?!"

"YES WHY?!" jisung hopped to his feet, "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO OUR SONGS BEFORE?!"

"SINCE THE FIRST SONG!"

"HOLY SH-" jisung took out his phone and opened the app as well, "DUDE!" the 3racha profile was on the screen.

"no way..." i said to myself, "so who are you?" jisung opened his mouth to speak but i cut him off, "wait let me guess, are you j.one?"

"YES HOW'D YOU KNOW?" it was jisung's turn to gape now.

"han. one." i explained, "i mean- yeah." jisung nodded in understanding. "i can't believe you're part of 3racha..."

"i can't believe you've heard of them." seungmin laughed. jisung hit his arm, "we have listeners!"

"i know, whatever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and kudos and comments uwu they make me so happy!!
> 
> hope you enjoyed!!


	9. 3racha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall i love 3racha so much

_[click to listen to one of my favorite non kpop songs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zg5tBerJEfM)_ :D

 

**_seungmin's pov_ **

 

"chan!" jisung squealed as he ran towards the boy on full speed. jisung jumped on him and chan gasped as jisung landed in his arms. jisung's weight and the force of the jump made chan rock back a little but he, thankfully, stayed standing. chan giggled and dropped jisung on the floor, he was about to speak until his eyes fell on hyunjin from behind me. his smile faded for a quick second but as quickly as it left, it came back twice as brighter. i looked back at hyunjin, he looked at me then to chan again.

"hyunjin, hey!" chan started walking towards hyunjin, his arms spread out, ready to squeeze the life out of the taller boy. hyunjin tensed but chan didn't notice and hugged him tightly, "i finally meet you!"

hyunjin's eyes looked desperate and i pulled chan away from poor hyunjinnie. "do you not remember what i told you?" i scolded my elder and he raised an eyebrow then laughed and apologized to hyunjin because he forgot he wasn't fond of new people that quickly. hyunjin nervously smiled and i patted his shoulder to comfort him a little.

jisung came in between us and slapped chan's neck, "yeah, everyone probably forgot by now," he stated, "so get ready for hugs and screaming." jisung smiled and i nodded, "honestly, they're all really affectionate towards everyone." i added, "they seriously don't know boundaries." hyunjin sighed and put on the forced smile he always has when he doesn't appreciate something. i rubbed his shoulder again and he tensed but relaxed once he realized it was me. this probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but i almost screamed. _he feels comfortable that i touched him. he feels comfortable around me. he trusts me. does this mean he likes me?_

chan's laugh snapped me out of my thoughts and suddenly the three of them were sitting on the couch laughing at some joke i didn't here. then i noticed changbin was sitting in between hyunjin and jisung. do i think in slow motion? i headed towards the couch and sat on hyunjin but he pushed me into changbin's lap and changbin pushed me into jisung's.

i gasped dramatically, "am i not loved by any of you?" i yelled, "am i not worthy of sitting on any of your laps?"

"no."

"no."

"no." they all said in unison. i pouted and sat on the floor. "fine then," i said pettily, "i don't love you either!"

changbin snorted, "yeah you do." jisung agreed and hyunjin judgingly stared at me. "oh my god, please stop taking advantage of my love!" at this, hyunjin laughed, catching mine and everyone else's attention, then he patted his lap looking straight into my eyes with a now serious expression. his dark brown orbs teased my heart making it try to force itself out of my chest. chan finally looked up from his phone and spoke loudly, "dude just sit on his lap its not that big a deal!"

we all looked at him and i immediately felt my face get hot. i nodded and pushed myself off of the floor and dragged my legs all the way to hyunjin. i was honestly just playing with them, i didn't know he would take it seriously. i stood in front of him and he smiled and tapped his lap again.

"sit." so i sat. his lap felt firm and warm under me, then he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer to his chest. i felt his heart hammering against my back, does this mean something? probably not. i mean he's way out of my league, why would he like me? he wouldn't.

i cleared my throat and shifted on his lap to look at everyone else, "so, did you and chan know hyunjin listens to 3racha's music?" i asked trying to break the silence and change the topic that the three of my friends were smiling about to each other.

chan and changbin snapped their heads towards me and then looked at hyunjin, i looked down at hyunjin and he looked confused, then his eyes widened in surprise, "wait..." he pushed me off and stood up as the members of 3racha stood as well, "you guys are 3RACHA OH MY GOD!" hyunjin yelled.

they practically screamed at each other's faces for five minutes non-stop about how thankful they are that he's been listening since the very beginning and whatnot. i was beginning to regret everything. after a while though, they settled down. although they hadn't stopped talking about 3racha's music and how much hyunjin loves it, at least they weren't continuing to shatter my eardrums. i heard them talking about rapping and how they can all do vocals and then they were talking about a collaboration with hyunjin which made them all start yelling like idiots again

other than them ignoring my existence and are enjoying each other's more than mine, i'm glad they're getting along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized i could make a lot of these chapters into a single chapter... 
> 
> also, i'm almost to 50 kudos... w h a t?? thank yoouuuuu
> 
> and follow me on twitter!! @//minglossjr


	10. stray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized i didn't post last week lmao oops and i also didn't reread this so if you hate incorrect grammar im sorry hkskskksddksk
> 
> when will jeongin appear? soon :D

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                              20221108

 

dear seungmin,

 

i have a confession to make...

i will always have a special place for you in my heart. i fell in love with you. i know nothing happened between us, but you were my first love and i can't ever forget that. i don't love you just because of your pretty face. i love you because you took me in even when everyone teased you about talking to a loser like me. you were the only person who actually cared about me. you were the reason i wanted to go to school every day. you were the reason for my heart racing a million miles a minute and i actually liked it. you have always been the reason for my smile, my laugh, the light in my eyes you always see are only there when i'm around you. but you were also the reason that for the first time in my life i wanted something real. you never realized and after i saw you kiss jungwoo i knew it was over. i knew you stopped loving me. i knew that nothing could happen anymore. i was hurting but i couldn't let you see that, so i hid it from you. i hid it from the guys. i hid it from myself. i had to stray away from the pain, i saw myself in the mirror and i didn't know who i was without my love for you anymore. i wanted you, but i thought you didn't want me. so i had to deny those feelings. for my sake.

does any of that make sense? i don't know if it does, but you get what i mean.

but anyways, now, i have someone else. i love him and he loves me. i'm happy. finally. but the first letter you sent me reminded me of everything. all the feelings i had. have. they came back. why couldn't you just let me be happy with him? why couldn't you just shut up and move on? grow up seungmin. grow the fuck up. i didn't want to go back to that pain but you only made it worse. because i was happy. i was.

now? what am i supposed to tell jeongin? what am i supposed to do now that i realized those feeling weren't taken away, that they were only hidden? what am i supposed to do now that i love you? i still love you so much. but i hate you for ruining what i had for jeongin. i loved him. no, i love him. i still do.

so what am i supposed to do? i love both of you. i don't know what to do so please... tell me what to do. but i won't go to you. i can't. you ruined the relationship with the guy i love. only because you couldn't keep your mouth shut. because you couldn't move on like a man would after so long. you did the wrong thing; i hope you realize that. you can't just say those things to me while i'm with someone. you knew i loved him. you're my fucking best friend, even if i didn't tell you it was so obvious, i'm his boyfriend. i love him.

and although i love you, i've made up my mind: i'm staying with jeongin. i'll get over these feelings like i did last time. i mean, i hope i do. but you have to promise me that you will too. please, seungmin. do this for me. for my happiness. if you love me- if you're my best friend- you'll do that for me. i love jeongin and i won't leave him because of these stupid feelings. please just stop this. i hope you understand i need this.

and don't take this the wrong way, just please, please, please let me be happy with jeongin. i might not deserve him, but i'm just lucky he loves me too and i don't want to ruin it.

and on this topic, can you give me some time to think? i need to be alone for now... i need to talk to channie.

 

 

very sincerely,

hyunjin hwang

 

p.s. when i went to visit my parents, my mom made me bring back a plate of samgyeopsal because she remembers you loved it when you came last time. she was very happy other people enjoy her food. i forgot to tell you when i came back but it's in the fridge if you want some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think my letters are getting shorter............. and the regular chapters lol i'll try to make them a bit longer.
> 
> and as always, thank you so much for reading, i hope you enjoyed this letter, i kinda like wrote it in 15 minutes so it might suck but here it is lmao!
> 
> thank you for the kudos ily uwuwuuwuweuw


	11. kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update!! i love updating lol 
> 
> @ jeongin??? wya???
> 
> hehehe im excited (?)

**_hyunjin's pov_ **

 

every now and then i wonder what the future holds, what's in stock for me.

right now, i know exactly what the future is about to throw at me.

people. _ah, fuck_.

"hyunjin's in my room, i'll bring him out in a quick sec." i heard seungmin say from the living room. i panic. i've been doing so well, but it's too much already, i've met enough people for one day. i'm done for today. i run to seungmin's restroom and lock myself in. the bedroom door clicks open, i hear slight rustling and a dramatic sigh, "hyunjin?"

"yeah?" i answer hesitantly. the doorknob turns, but not all the way and then there's a knock on the door, "hyunjin, you don't have to meet them yet if you're not ready. i don't get it but i understand it's out of your comfort zone." seungmin explains, "but its only two more... for now." he adds. i sigh softly and unlock the door, seungmin lets himself in. i sit on the bathroom countertop and seungmin grabs my hand and holds it in his. my heart's racing and i wonder if it's because seungmin's holding my hand or if an anxiety attack is coming. maybe both.

"you can stay here for a bit longer, but they're excited to finally meet you." i nod, "can you just tell them to not attack me with too much of their touchiness or whatever?" i ask after a pause. seungmin only laughs and then lets go of my hand. i look down at my hand and i almost reach out to hold his again. seungmin walks out of the room and a couple seconds later i hear loud yells of protest.

i turn to look at myself in the mirror and i realize my face is red. was... was i blushing? when seungmin held my hand? is that why he laughed? is that why he let go of my hand? i shake my head and hop off the counter to wash my face. i turn off the faucet and look at myself in the mirror one last time before i meet the other two.

_you can do this, hyunjin. it's okay, you're still alive after meeting jisung, chan, and changbin. you got this._

i walk out of the restroom and take a deep breath. please don't come for me, anxiety.

in the living room, the place is filled with happy shouting and laughter. instead of making me feel slightly more comfortable, i'm about to throw up. i swallow some spit and continue walking towards the small crowd of playful boys. none of them have noticed me yet. i'm about to vomit everywhere. i push it down. _i can do this_. i nod to myself, holding my stomach. one of the guys looks at me with a laugh on his lips, then his expression turns worried.

"are you okay, hyunjin?" i must've looked the way i felt, but as soon as my brain processed what the boy said and the fact that he was addressing me, i felt my food traveling back up in a rush. i ran to the restroom holding my mouth and impressively didn't throw up on the floor, i left the commotion and worried gasps in the living room. i heard a couple of them run after me but i couldn't look back even if i wanted to. everything i had in my stomach emptied into the toilet bowl. my head was pulsing as hard as my heart rattling my ribs. someone came behind me and pushed my sweaty bangs out of my face as he rubbed my back soothingly.

"i told you you could come out when you were ready." seungmin said in a hushed voice. i nodded and spit the leftover debris into the bowl. seungmin massaged my shoulders and back until i relaxed and my breathing normalized. i stood up and washed my face and gargled some water in my mouth to get rid of the taste. it didn't do it's job so i grabbed a mouthwash and sat back down on the floor when i was satisfied with the minty taste instead of my vomit.

"i just felt like i had to get it over with." i told myself and my friend. seungmin shook his head, "you didn't have to, they can wait." seungmin said with sincerity, "they're worried about you, you know?" he patted my back, "they wanted to come check up on you too, but i..." he seungmin trailed off, leaving his sentence unfinished, but i understood.

"thanks."

"no problem, jinnie." he said with a smile, i returned it weakly and he laughed softly. "felix thinks it's his fault, he wants to come apologize." seungmin said looking away.

"he doesn't have to, its not his fault." i was confused, is felix that guy that looked at me? seungmin nodded, "yeah, but no one can convince him otherwise, he's stubborn like that." seungmin and i sighed simultaneously, i know what he wants me to do. "do you mind..?" seungmin started, "yeah, tell him to come. but only him."

seungmin looked surprised but hopped up on his feet and ran out of the restroom. a minute later the cute blonde boy walked in and sat on the floor next to me. his head was hanging slightly and he didn't make eye contact when he spoke.

"i'm sorr-"

"it wasn't your fault..."

"oh sorry, i didn't introduce myself, i'm felix lee." he said with a shy smile. how could this boy be that felix? one of the loudest guys in their entire group, according to seungmin and my own eyes and ears. felix held out his hand and i took it, returning his smile with the brightest one i could muster. i saw his tense shoulders relax and i felt a little more comfortable with him.

"hyunjin, i really am sorry for making you nervous..." he looked down and his hands and sighed. he looked so guilty it made my heart ache just a little. "it wasn't just you, it was honestly everyone. don't get me wrong, i do want to meet all of you, i'm just... held back... by... by anxiety." felix nodded, "you didn't have to come out right away; seungmin told us already."

felix stood up and held his hand out for me to take, i did and helped me up, "don't worry," he looked into my eyes, "i've got your back." he linked his arm through mine and i almost pulled away but i didn't want to be rude, so i let him. "are you going to be okay?" he asked me. i nodded as i actually felt more comfortable with someone next to me.

felix stopped before we enter the living room, "can i have your phone number first?" my eyes widened in shock, no one other than seungmin has ever asked for my number... i literally only have three contacts: seungmin and my parents. "i know everyone's gonna ask and i wanted to get yours first." he giggled and i couldn't help but smile. i nodded and he took out his phone from his pocket. i waited for his okay and then recited my number. he repeated it and i agreed. "thanks!" he giggled again, "now we can go!" and he led me to the living room.

"HEY BITCHES SHUT UP!" felix yelled. and there he is. "ALL OF YOU BETTER CALM DOWN OR ELSE I'LL BEAT YOU AS HARD AS I BEAT MY MEAT." changbin snorted and jisung grimaced, everyone just had an awkward expression on their faces, including me. "okay everyone, if you scare this beautiful prince i'll-"

"excuse me?" changbin cut in. felix rolled his eyes at his boyfriend and made an annoyed grunt sound, "shut up, you're irrelevant."

changbin gaped and blinked in fake shock, then chan patted his back with a little laugh. i, on the other hand, couldn't help but blush at the compliment.

"as i was saying, if you scare hyunjin, i promise i'll slap you with a chicken leg."

a boy jumped up and pointed a finger at felix, "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

felix laughed, "chill out, woman!"

"woojin, honestly, calm down." chan said pulling the boy down to sit, "felix would never betray you like that." he shot felix a glare and tsked. woojin nodded and shook chan's hands off of him and walked up to felix and i. "hey hyunjin, can i call you hyunjinnie?" i held out my hand for him to shake and nodded, "if i can call you woojinnie." i said with a smile. woojin giggle and said: "of course you can, hyunjinnie!"

another boy stood up from the group and walked up to me with a little strut in each step, he smiled as he approached me and took my hand, "hey hyunjin, i'm minho-" someone from behind yelled out: "aaahhheeeMIN _HOE_ eeeeemmm!" none too discreetly and minho rolled his eyes. "i'm minho lee, and these dumbasses behind me are annoying ass kids." he said with a sarcastic smile. i laughed, i can already tell they're great people.

maybe meeting these "kids" wasn't such a bad thing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is sort of a long chapter (in comparison to the rest of the chapters) because i update like once a week and the chapters are all very short, i also didn't want hyunjin to meet like half of them and then make a part two. 
> 
> anywaysss, thank you for reading uwu i hope you enjoyed!!
> 
> follow me on twt!! @minglossjr


	12. regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't update because i had a bad case of writer's block lmao. this isn't as good as i want it to be but i'll fix it in the future heh..

_**seungmin's pov**_

 

hyunjin seems okay being surrounded by everyone right now. more people, some strangers, arrived throughout the night and he doesn't look ready to die.

wait. is he... tipsy? who gave him alcohol?!

in that moment, i saw chan pouring him another drink and i almost attacked someone. i pushed through the crowd of people, i saw them stumble in my peripheral, someone even fell to the ground. he giggled and got up with the help of the person that was next to him, he was drunk. as soon as i was behind chan i gave him a hard slap on the back of his head, "what the hell are you doing?"

"he was about to freak out so i gave him something to drink," he gestured to the red solo cups in both of their hands, "it worked!" i snatched the cup from his hand and sniffed: soju. i gave him another slap on the back of his head, "he's never even tasted soju!" chan giggled, "not anymoooooore!" i rolled my eyes and looked towards hyunjin, but he wasn't there. i chugged whatever mixture was in chan's cup, i heard him yell something about the drink but i don't care. god, that was strong. what the hell's in that? i blinked the cloudiness in my vision away and started looking for hyunjin. chan came up behind me and grabbed my shoulders and turned my body around, "seungmin, oh my god, that was supposed to be diluted in punch or whatever, you dumbass!" he yelled over the music that i could barely hear from the blood roaring in my ears. i nodded and watched as a blot of green paint landed on his face. chan didn't react at all, he basically ignored it. then, the paint started running over every inch of his body. i gasped in horror and started running away, i heard chan's confusion in his muffled shouts, in fact, all sounds were muffled and everyone was covered in different shades of green paint.

i tripped as i ran up the stairs, when i looked up, hyunjin was sitting on a step at the top of the stairs. he looked perfect, no paint; no flaws. nothing except his hand, which was rubbing some guy's thigh. his hands were stained with the color of the boy who was giggling at something hyunjin said. he leaned closer, obviously trying to catch hyunjin's lips, but hyunjin moved away unknowingly. the paint covering everyone turned deep velvet. it isn't my place to be jealous, but that doesn't change the fact that i am. i should be happy that hyunjin has found someone he might like, but i'd rather it be me. why does this hurt so much?

i stumbled before running in the opposite direction, right into a boy covered almost completely in the paint, except this one was orange. his shocked expression turned into a kind smile, "are you okay?" he asked. i blinked in response, maybe because he was the only voice i could hear clearly or because he was gorgeous. i was speechless. he laughed a little before being interrupted by a small hiccup, to which he laughed even louder. his laugh was precious and made my broken heart beat a little faster. he took my hand and gingerly sat me on my couch. with a smile, he told me to stay put and i watched him leave. in a matter of seconds he came back with a water bottle. he handed it to me and i smiled in gratefulness. he rested his arm on his knee and his head on his hand as he watched me gulp down half of the refreshing liquid. 

"you're seungmin, right?" the pretty boy asked. i cleared my throat to speak, but then everyone's red paint turned the same orange as his. i flinched at the sudden flash of change, but answered, "yeah..." i trailed off, "who are you?" i asked.

"right. sorry." he laughed, "i'm jungwoo kim." he moved a little closer to me and his lips were moving but nothing came out. my mind went back to the scene on the stairs only a few moments ago and i looked down at my hands. the world was red again. jungwoo's still orange hands came into my peripheral and as soon as they landed on mine, everything was orange, yet somehow brighter than before. i felt the water in my system finally kick in a little, or maybe it was the way jungwoo's hands caressed my own. i kept my face down as i stared at the way his thumb moved in little circles on my skin. one of his hands touched my chin and lifted my head, his face much closer than it was before. our eyes locked when my head was level to his, my eyes fluttered down to his lips and i couldn't help myself.

but jungwoo was quicker. his lips moved hungrily around mine and i followed his pace. his hands gripped my hair, pushing my face towards his impossibly further. my arms snaked around his waist to bring our bodies together, i want him to feel me and i him. his mouth tastes like soju and something more, it was delicious. 

i felt... nothing and everything. the pain was still there. immediate regret filled my conscience and i pulled away. regret because, although hyunjin and i aren't anything more than friends, i still love him. although he isn't mine, i am his.

but also because jungwoo doesn't mean anything to me. i probably don't mean anything to him either, but i wouldn't do that to someone. this is wrong.

all wrong.

jungwoo looked at me apologetically and i got up to look for anyone but hyunjin. i can't face him now. the now blue paint on the mass of bodies began to melt as i looked for a friend. i ran around, bumping into people until i crashed into minho. i ignored his startled yelp and squeezed my arms around his ribs. minho pulled me away from him and grabbed me by the face, his expression confused and worried. 

"seungmin, what's wrong?" minho asked over the blasting music. i didn't answer and just ran into his arms again. i was sobbing uncontrollably, my body was shaking in his hold. in his worried state, minho half carried me to my room and practically threw me on my bed, he mumbled an 'oops' and took off my shoes. then, he covered me with a blanket and kneeled next to me. 

"seungmin, get some rest okay?" i nodded with my eyes closed. i heard his receding footsteps, the door opened and clicked shut. then, i was consumed by darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and for the kudos!!! almost a thousand hits... that's honestly amazing :o
> 
> and follow me on twt @ minglossjr :)))


	13. broken and desperate

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                              20221109

 

dear hyunjin,

 

i'm really sorry. i've been saying that a lot these days; i really am. i didn't know you felt the same way about me, i never would've thought you did. and that leaves me wondering why you never told me. you couldn't have been afraid of rejection, you knew i was in love with you. from the beginning. so what was it? why didn't you ever tell me? you gained confidence being around us and maybe that was a mistake. 

all you needed was people to make you feel loved, but i could've given you that without the "everyone else". maybe i shouldn't have tried to trick you into meeting my friends... you had social anxiety and i shouldn't have done that to you. but all of this is my fault. everything would've been different if i hadn't forced you to go to my house and meet my friends, i did this to myself. but i regret it. i'm sorry that i'm so selfish, but i am when it comes to you. so i wish you were only mine. i wish that you still hated everyone like you used to, you could've been mine if it wasn't for my mistake.

i'm so sorry about the way i feel, but that's the truth. i don't deserve you, you deserve someone better, but i promise no one loves and cares about you as much as i do. i would tear myself apart if that's what it takes to make you happy. i would do anything and everything for you if you would just let me. i can't keep begging for your love. it hurts too much, but i'll do it because i need you. you're everything to me. can't you see how much i need you?

everyone was taken aback at your rare smile. that smile made people fall on their knees before you. so you started gaining confidence. i remember you asked me, "why are people being nice to me all of a sudden?" i smiled and you smiled back, confused. i laughed and said "that's why!" still confused, you tilted your head and i almost threw myself at you. "you're being nice you people, y'know?" i grabbed your face and squished your cheeks, "and that smile you give everyone?" i said, "is so darn cute!" and then you blushed and tried to deny it, which by the way, made me want to slap you and yell about how beautiful you are and how miraculous you smile is.

 well to get back on track, it's true. what channie said. i was looking for you at the party, but i was drunk on something, there was something in that soju. but when i found you, you were flirting with some guy. so i ran away, i was heartbroken because i loved you, and obviously still do. then i was on the couch making out with jungwoo, but i stopped because i was thinking about you.

and you have to know i'm also sorry that i've made you confused. i'm honestly a little confused myself because i don't want you to be happy with jeongin. i want you to be happy with me and only me... i know that's an asshole move but i just want to have you for myself. i want to take jeongin's place in your life. i don't want to be just one of your friends anymore. i'm already yours, i'm just waiting for the day when you'll be mine. but if i can't be the one to make you happy, then what am i supposed to do with my life if it only revolves around you? even though you said you still love me, you don't want to do anything about it. you still want to be with jeongin. but i'll give you a better life, filled with love and passion and everything in between, so please just come to me. you're everything i've ever wanted, it was so easy for me to fall in love with everything about you. those feelings have never changed and they never will. i can't just give up on us. i haven't for years and years on end. i watched you flirt and even date with other guys, but i have my heart set on you. it was always you.

you also love jeongin though. i know it must be a hard decision but i can make it easy for you. i'll do anything. just please let me love you. let me try to be the man you deserve to be with.

oh god, i'm so sorry. i probably sound crazy. and i am, i'm crazy about you.

 

 

with aching love,

seungmin kim

 

p.s. please tell your mom thank you for the samgyeopsal, it was as amazing as always.

p.p.s. please don't think i'm broken and maybe even desperate, i just want to be with you. if it doesn't work out, then i would understand. i promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally don't know if this makes sense lmao please forgive me :(( i'm kind of a crappy writer if you can't tell heh
> 
> but anywaysss...... i reached a thousand hits................... THANK YOU SO MUCH I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!! ^^
> 
> thank you for reading ;-; and for the kudos!!! ugh i'm crying


	14. boomers

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

"i thought i was the one he wanted!" i yelled. chan rubbed my arms trying to comfort me, he was only a little tipsy, but not enough to be extremely weird and creepy like... everyone else at the party. the music was blasting throughout the house and the closed door of the bathroom barely muffled the noise outside. "dude, not to be rude, but why do you care?" chan asked. i rolled my teary eyes and pushed him away, "i don't, really, i just..." i sighed and rubbed my face in frustration, "look, i don't know why i care i just do!" chan looked surprised, i was about to apologize for yelling, but then he smirked and chuckled.

"i knew it."

"what?" _maybe the soju's getting to him now._

"i knew it!" he yelled, "oh my god, YOU DO!"

"what the hell are you talking about?" _is he going crazy? what's in that drink?_ chan shot up off the floor and ran out into the living room filled with chaotic students. i didn't think it was possible, but i could hear chan, faintly, screaming like a maniac over the music and loud chatter. he ran back in the restroom and yelled: "i've gotta tell woojinnie!" he shook me by the shoulders and giggled happily, then ran out the same way. i was sitting down on the edge of the bathtub and then a second later a guy ran into the restroom looking like his face was about to explode. and it did. he ran to the toilet, but missed the bowl and threw up all over the floor. he retched up the soju he most likely just chugged and coughed until he couldn't breathe. he sat down, the vomit dangerously close to one of his hands and he looked at me with a pained smile.

"hey." i probably had a grimace on my face because he chuckled nervously, "that must've been a good first impression..."

"that was honestly so gross that i couldn't look away." i laughed and he chuckled again, "yeah... sorry you had to see that."

"it's fine, it happens to the best of us." the boy nodded and smiled. wow, he's adorable. "so, what's your name?"

"oh, right, uh i'm hyunjin hwang." his kind smile crept up again and couldn't help but smile back.

"my name's jungwoo kim," he introduced himself, flipping his hair out of his face with a swift movement of his head, "and you need to know that you're _super_ cute." i felt my face heat up immediately and i knew that my face was probably cringing instead of smiling to thank him. before i met seungmin, no one called me "cute", much less " _super_ cute". yet today, a lot of people have complimented me similarly. maybe its the outfit seungmin put together?  i decided to try to play it cool by giggling but it came out as a snort and... just no. i have to get out of here, oh my god. i'm making a fool out of myself.

"uh, haha, thanks." i blurted nervously, "you'rereallycutetoookaybyeihavetogo" before i finished my sentence was already running out of the restroom. _what the hell am i doing?_

as i walked around, the mass of bodies were pushing into me from all sides and i was starting to get really annoyed. i need to talk to someone. i saw minho coming out of seungmin's room and i ran to him. "hey minho!" i greeted, relieved to have found a familiar face. minho smiled, "hey, what's up?" he looked into my eyes, he was smiling but his eyes are worried. i don't know him well so i don't want to intrude or be a bother and i don't ask. "is it okay if i stay with you?" he nodded and sighed, he seems tired. "i just don't really know anyone here."

"yeah, i understand-" he stopped and thought for a second, "well, i really don't but i guess i know what you're talking about." i laughed, trying to brighten up his mood, he turned around and kept walking, i followed him though the crowd. he walked into the kitchen and looked around. "are you looking for someone?" i asked.

"uh, yeah, i need to find jisung to ask hi-" he stopped again, "do you know what's going on with seungmin?"

as the name fell out of minho's lips, my heart dropped to my stomach. i shook my head and said no. "hey, are you okay?" he asked, his brows wrinkling towards each other. "no, i'm not." i responded, he began to say something but i interrupted him, "i will be soon enough though."

minho's concerned expression turned into a confused one. "anyway, what happened to seungmin?"

"i don't know, he was just crying like a madman and he was extremely drunk and totally out of it." he bit his lip in frustration, "i just took him to his room, he's sleeping now." he sighed and looked a the ground, "i've never seen him act like that. ever." i put my hand on his shoulder, "i'm just so worried about him..."

"we can talk to him tomorrow and ask him then." i told him, "maybe it was just the soju-mix-thing that chan made." i said reassuringly, "it's probably nothing."

minho nodded and hugged me, "thanks, man." he said as i hugged him back, "i needed to hear that."

just then, jisung was walking towards us from behind minho, "hey, jisung's here." minho pulled away immediately. he then tackled jisung and they both went to the floor in a heap.

"where were you?!" minho yelled at his boyfriend, "i was looking everywhere for you!" jisung squirmed out of his grip and took a deep breath. "i was out buying soju bottles with my brother since the keg's empty already."

"well that's why there's people already passed out on the lawn." minho checked his watch, "it's barely about to be 12!" he laughed.

"that and chan's secret ingredient." jisung smirked. "what is it anyway?" i asked. "noth-"

jisung looked at me, with a little grin, "it's boomers." _that's barely an answer but okay_. minho hit jisung's chest making him fall out of the creepy 'trance' he was in, "hyunjinnie doesn't _know_ what _boomers_ are, you idiot."

"okay, i'll tell him!" he pouted, "this party is one we have monthly, we call it the _boomer party_. heh." i nodded waiting for him to continue, "people pay 225,000 won to get in." my eyes widened, "what the hell? are you serious?" jisung nodded. , "why didn't i have to pay?"

"he's not supposed to know yet!"

"whatever!"

"jisung, you're gonna get yourself in trouble."

"cause you're a friend and you were invited by the main host: seungmin." he ignored minho's warning. _seungmin?_

" _boomers_ are great, they kick in in about 20 minutes and they last for 6 hours." jisung explained, " all seven of us are the hosts, seung is the main host. he's the one who provides." he cleared his throat, "he's never had any though, none of us have. we just throw the parties, we never take it because it would basically be loss of profit."

"we also don't really know what it does, all we know is that people are crazy about it and they say that it makes you see things." minho chipped in. "like... hallucinations?" they both nodded again. "well yeah that's basically how we make money, seungmin's parents know and everything, he pays rent for this house, dude."

_what the fuck?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this day has been soooooo long pls help


	15. (a)void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i did seungmin wrong, i'm sorry huhu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a super short chapter cause there's nothing to do at work today *rolls eyes* but at least i got to update !!

**_seungmin's pov_ **

 

_what the fuck?_

i opened my eyes and snapped them shut again. the sunrays coming through the window pierced my eyes and i thought i might've heard my retina sizzle in my head. my brain was pulsing in my cranium, i felt like the entire earth was swirling in my head. _what happened? oh god, why am i yelling in my fucking brain? what time is it?_

i slowly opened my eyes and tried to let my eyes adjust to the bright ass light. i blinked rapidly and reached over to grab my phone from the nightstand next to my bed. the time read **11:32 am**. _holy shit i'm late to school!_ i shot up from my bed but slammed back down almost immediately. i felt my entire body shut down for a minute, i could only hear the quick beating of my heart and my breathing. everything was just so loud. i let my body lose consciousness all over again, feeling cold and itchy everywhere.

***

last night came back through a dream. i saw everything from the outside, what someone else would've seen. i saw how i chugged chan's soju, i saw the creepy paint covering the crowd, i saw hyunjin with some other guy, and then... i saw me making out with that guy i met: jungwoo kim. everything appeared in flashes, but they felt eternal. i wish i could wake up. but the last two scenes kept replaying in my head over and over again like a broken record. i kept hearing my thoughts whisper, _"you've betrayed hyunjin"_ and _"you don't deserve him, you never did"_ and also _"he'll never be yours"_ . i felt my body shaking, i felt sick.

my eyes snapped open, "oh fuck no!" i yelled right before i slid my mostly numb body over the bed and fell on the floor. as soon as i landed, on my stomach, a sour liquid shot out of my esophagus and nostrils and onto my rug. after what felt like an hour, yet it was really only a minute, my body let me catch my breath before i ran to the restroom to empty out the rest of the "spiked" soju into the toilet bowl.

i hugged my knees to my chest and cried. i cried because my entire body's a fucking mess and because i really don't deserve hyunjin. i hate myself for betraying him. he didn't see what happened, and i have no intention of telling him. but the guilt is already killing me and i know that if hyunjin asks if everything's okay, i won't be able to lie to him. i'll tell him everything and i'll hate himself even more.

i washed my face and brushed my teeth multiple times to get the disgusting taste out of my mouth, then i blew my nose. i flushed the toilet, since apparently i forgot to when i was done. then crawled into my bed deciding that missing one day of school couldn't hurt. well, to be honest, it hasn't been just "one day" but it still wouldn't hurt.

i can't face him today. i can't.

i turned on my phone and realized it was sunday.

_mother fu-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUN FACT: seungmin's cussing a lot cause everything hurts after last and when that happens to me, i'm usually pretty pissed and cuss a lot
> 
> FUN FACT NO.2: this chapter is titled '(a)void' because seungmin has an empty stomach after throwing up (a void), because he feels like he doesn't deserve hyunjin at all (also a void), and because he's going to hide from hyunjin (avoid) LMAO I'M WEIRD IDK 
> 
> also, uwuwuwuwukjwfkjhshg tytyty fo the kudos and just for reading!!! ugh my heart


	16. awkward silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually wrote this pretty quickly lmao... idk why but i was mad for hyunjin hah...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                              20221111

 

seungmin,

 

i never told you i loved you because i didn't want there to be an awkward silence around us. i knew the feelings were mutual, but i never wanted  to act on it. i never wanted to be anything more because i thought i only loved you because you were my first friend. i had never experienced friendship the way you showed me. you changed my life completely and i'm so grateful for that. that's why i would shake the thoughts out of my mind. because if we became more than friends, i knew i would fuck something up and it would tear us apart. i knew i would lose you and i didn't want to risk it.

if i had the chance to go back and change the past, i wouldn't change any of it. all the bad times we went through had happy endings and i wouldn't trade their outcomes for anything.

however, now that you admit you regret ever introducing me to our friends, and the fact that you said you wish you could be the only person to make me happy is honestly ludicrous. i don't know if i feel the same way anymore. it broke my heart when i read that. i never thought you would feel this way because that's insane. you were the reason that i was happy from then on but you also weren't the only one. and you regret that other people cared about me and made me happy? they're your best friends and they're also my best friends. you might not realize this but you saying that makes you a horrible person. you were the reason for my happiness! i'm so grateful for that "mistake", seungmin, because it was the best thing that ever happened to me. all of you were. i finally felt loved by people other than my parents. you did make me feel loved on your own, and that's why i loved you. that's also why i didn't want to act on my feelings.

i still thank you for everything, i always will. you are the reason i can now take control of my social anxiety with ease and it helped more than you can imagine. you were the source of every good thing that happened to me. you can't say that we would've been together if i hadn't met your friends because i didn't want anything like that to happen between us.

you shouldn't be sorry about the way you feel, what you should be sorry for is for trying to separate me from the man i love. that man loves me and cares about me just as much, if not more, than you do. i'm really not trying to be rude and i don't want to offend you, but this has become more of an obsession than actual love. so just stop begging. you don't need a boyfriend, am i not enough as a friend?

just fucking stop.

you say having to choose between you and jeongin is going to be difficult; it isn't though. i've already chosen and i choose jeongin. he's my boyfriend and he also isn't a selfish person like you. i'm honestly so disappointed in you. i don't even know what to say to you. you've explained your feelings many times and i've already said no. just leave it alone. i'm happy and if you can't understand that then i really don't want to be with you. if you love me as much as you say you do, you would let me be happy with jeongin. or anyone else.

you just don't understand that although i do love you, i love our friendship more. i don't want anything else from you other than friendly love, at least not anymore. you're an amazing friend and i appreciate you. but not when you're doing this to me. it feels like you want to hurt me instead of wanting me to be happy. everything you're doing is making me feel the exact opposite of that.

you don't deserve to be rejected again. not by me. look elsewhere, find someone better and that will love you the way you deserve to be loved. i can't give that to you, i'm already giving my all to jeongin. i want you to leave this where it is. i'm ending this little drama here. no more. jeongin wouldn't appreciate you doing this to him. can't we just forget about al of this and go back to the way things were? before you wrote me that first letter and let go of everything we said? we can't happen, so it's best to stop trying to make something out of this friendship. because like i've mentioned many times: you're my friend. and you will always be.

 

 

sincerely,

hyunjin.

 

p.s. if you can't tell, i'm pretty fucking pissed at you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwuuwuwuwu thank you so much for reading and for the kudos!! i really hope you enjoyed this chapter :D


	17. that type of love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu as always, i didn't read over it so there might be some mistakes uuwuuwuwwuwu

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

"hey woojin!" i caught up to woojin in the hallway as he rummaged through his locker stuffed with fat textbooks and binders. his back was turned to me but i could hear the smile on his lips, "hyunjinnie!" exclaimed woojin, he took out a thick binder and tucked it in between his arm and his chest, then he slammed his locker shut and started walking. i followed. there was less than a minute left until the late bell rang, but this is more important. i'm always late to class anyways. "what's up with seungmin?" woojin stopped, snuck a quick peek at his wristwatch and sighed. he looked me in the eyes and said: "it's, uh, honestly pretty stupid..."

i don't know what's going on with seungmin, but my gut's telling me i'm the reason he's acting this way. after the party, he hasn't talked to me. he still sits next to me and he still smiles, but there's something off about that smile. he doesn't hug me anymore and he doesn't seem excited when he sees me like he used to. instead, he seems to be sad. he grunts or shakes his head in response and he ignores me when i ask him if everything's okay. i don't know how to talk to him if he doesn't answer my questions, so i'm looking for someone to help me understand what i did wrong.

"it doesn't feel that way," i say, "i feel horrible and guilty and i don't even know what i did to upset him." woojin nods and lets his back lightly hit the locker behind him, "i know it's me because i see the way his eyes get sad, and sometimes mad, when he sees me." i sigh and bury my face in my hands, "he's my only friend, i- i can't lose him like this." tears burn in the back of my eyes and i feel them fill under my closed eyelids. woojin moves towards me and engulfs me in his arms, hugging me tightly but gingerly at the same time.

the late bell finally rings, but we don't move to run to our classes.

"firstly, you didn't do anything, this wasn't your fault." he says reassuringly, "and secondly, i'm offended that you think he's your only friend hyunjinnie," he lets go of me and pulls my hands away from my face, "all of us are your friends. all eight of us." he whispers. i sniffle and breathe out a 'thank you'. a couple tears trickle down the sides of my cheeks and i wipe at them before they reach my chin. but more tears fall and i couldn't keep them in any longer. a low sob breaks through my lips and i crash into woojin, squeezing his ribs with my arms, and then loosening my hold on him when i realize i might be depriving him of oxygen. i feel him inhale and exhale deeply and his arms wrap around my torso and he rubs my back soothingly.

the tears began because of my fear of losing seungmin, but now, i'm crying tears of happiness, gratefulness and everything in between. _seungmin, thank you. your friendship is the best thing that could've ever happened to me. you don't know how much you mean to me._

woojin reminds me of my mom with every caring and loving action. he barely knows me and i feel the sincerity in his voice and expression, his feelings are genuine and i can tell he knows how to love. he sets a good example to his seven friends and he's responsible enough to take care of all of them when he should be focusing on himself. he knows how to make the guys laugh when they're feeling down and it seems like he puts their needs before his. until it has something to do chicken, but that's a different story... i guess. other than that, he's my mom in a teenage boy's body.

"we should get to class, hyunjinnie." woojin said, breaking the silence in the empty hallway, empty with the exception of the both of us. i nodded and pulled away. "come sit with us during lunch, it's about time," he added, "we'll all explain why seungmin's throwing his little tantrum." i chuckled a bit, wiping some stray tears away as i nodded and said 'okay'. woojin smiled softly and patted my back, "see ya later hyunjinnie!" he yelled as we walked towards the stairs. i waved at him with a smile and then, he disappeared into the stairway. the echoes of each of his steps reached my ears and they faded steadily.

i walked in the opposite direction, to the restroom. i only missed about 10 minutes of class, but my next class is mrs. jeon's a.p. english class with seungmin. i know that if i see him, i'll break down all over again so i decide skipping class is the wiser choice. it's not like i've never skipped class before.

***

playing minecraft on my phone for 20 minutes as i sat on the sink started getting boring, so i decided to go to class. even if there was only 10 minutes left of class. i feel slightly more composed and i might be ready to see seungmin again. i jump off the sink and head towards the door. as soon as i reached the exit, the door swung open and slammed into my forehead. i think i heard a crack in my skull cause _holy shit that hurts_.

"oh my god hyunjin i'm so sorry, i didn't know you were in here! why are you behind the door?! why aren't you in class, i was starting to get worried cause i saw you in the hallway talking to woojin but you didn't come to class so i tho-"

"seungmin, it's fine." i interrupted his rambling, "but what's not fine is that you're avoiding me!" i yelled, "one day you invite me to your house to hang out, and then the next you ignore me?!" i push his back into the closed door and put pressure on his chest with my arm, the other settled on the wood next to his head. angry tears drip down from my eyes but i keep my face cold. "tell me why you're doing this to me!" seungmin's eyes are wide and glossy with tears, his lips are trembling and all of a sudden i feel guilty. i sigh and let go of him. i close my eyes and lean my back against the wall parallel to the door and slide down to the floor. i hug my knees and bury my face in them. seungmin shuffles next to me, i hear his small gasps searching for more oxygen, his sniffles, and the way his back slides down beside me. he touches my back with his head and i flinch away from him.

"what did i do?!" i wail, "why are you doing this to me?"

seungmin's sniffles get louder and i hear him sobbing. "i'm sorry hyunjin, i'm so sorry i didn't know it would affect you this way!" his voice cracked at the end and i looked over at him in disbelief. my head pounding from the impact of the door and from crying, making me even angrier. "you are my first friend, seungmin! how could i not care about losing you?!"

"i- i don't know, i didn't think of it that way!" he yelled back, "i'm so sorry hyun-"

"of course you didn't, you don't know what it's like to be devoid of friends! of that type of love!" i stand up and he does the same.

"i'm-"

"save it." i say and run out of the restroom, slamming the door behind me. i run through the hallways and out the back door of the school. i have to stop to catch my breath, and then i walk out onto the pavement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anywhoooooo thank you for reading and for the KUDOS OMG YALL I FEEL SO LOVED UWUWUUWUWUWUUW
> 
> ;-; mayhaps i'm crying


	18. bloody mess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a horrible case of writer's block holy shi-
> 
> well anyways, i hope this isn't as bad as i think it is because it's pretty important. whatever i guess.

_**seungmin's pov** _

 

 i lock myself in a stall and i let the tears drip onto my school pants. hyunjin's angry cries and yelling keep replaying in my head and i can't stop myself from punching the wall until my knuckles rip open. i hit the wall and hold in my screams and i end up choking on my spit. the blood-stained wall makes me realize that i'm going insane, my knuckles are tingling in numbness and i push my wet hair away from my face. i unlock the stall door and look at myself in the mirror. _this is all my fucking fault._ i continue to stare at myself and i feel the self hatred bubbling from all over my body. _what the hell is wrong with me...  why am i so selfish?!_ i feel my body shaking with rage, my breaths are shallow and coarse. i sit down on the floor of the restroom and chip off the drying blood on my skin with my fingernails. a salty tear drips onto one of the cuts and i flinch at the sudden sting.

a pair of feet suddenly appear in my line of sight, i look up and see a boy staring at me, a tiny crinkle on his forehead.

"uh, why are you on the flo- are you cry- are you bleedi- are you okay?" i rolled my eyes as the boy got on his knees and examined my face and knuckles, "do you need to go to the infirmary?"

"why do you even care?!" the boy fell back in shock at my outburst, "we don't even know each other, just do what you needa do and leave!" i yelled.

"look, man, i care because i know you're the one who throws those boomer parties." he said defensively, "you look on the verge of death, so if you die, where am i gonna get 'em at your deals?"

"whatever, that sounds like a personal problem to me." i responded as i stood up. "hold up, let me take you to the infirmary, you needa get that patched up." the boy gestured at my busted up hand. i rolled my eyes and nodded, "yeah i guess so."

the boy held the restroom door open for me, "so your name's seungmin, right?" he asked, as the door closed behind him, "yeah." i answered.

"i'm jeongin." he introduced himself, "i went to your party last week." i stopped in my tracks, but he kept walking, "really? i don't think i saw you." i respond, a little bored.

"yeah, i was there, i even met one of your friends!" jeongin stopped when he realized i wasn't next to him and turned to face me, "what?" he asked after a long pause. "none of my friends have talked about a 'jeongin', so which friend?"

"hyunjin hwon?"

"hwang." i corrected him. "right, right sorry. hyunjin _hwang_." he said to himself. could he be the guy hyunjin was with the entire night? is he the reason why i'm in this mess? "so where was he? i was looking for him all night and i couldn't find him..." i need to know if this was him or not, i don't really know why but i do. "oh, we were at the top of the stairs, i believe, i was a little drunk-slash-high when i was with him so i don't know for sure." well, what am i supposed to do with this information? fight him for hyunjin? "do you like him?" i asked after a long pause. "well, he's like really funny and nice, he seems like a good friend."

"look, you're cute, like extremely cute," i chuckle, then i look at him and make sure my stare is serious, "and he might be hot, but he's not just his looks, and well to be honest, you look like you're just your looks so you have no chance with him." i say, trying not to sound too harsh. his eyes open wide and he awkwardly chuckles, "uhh, okay?" he responds, "but you don't know me, i'm not an airhead, and thanks for the compliment i guess, but i'm not gay so don't worry..." i feel myself relax a little. okay good, cause he definitely has a chance with hyunjin. an even better chance than i do. "well then no worries, you should come sit at our table during lunch so you can meet all of us!" i smile brightly.

jeongin shrugs, "yeah sure..." he stops in front of a door with a name plate saying _infirmary_ and he opens the door for me again. "you should wash your face and hands... they're both kinda covered in blood."

the nurse is sitting in front of a computer and without looking away from the screen she says: "welcome! is ther-" she looks at us and shoots up out of her chair, she runs over to me and starts asking me questions about the injuries and then she mentions something about stitches but i could barely understand her mumbling. she fills a bowl with warm water and sits me down on a stool, then dips a small towel in the water and begins to gently clean the dried blood from my skin. the door opens from behind me and i turn to see jeongin smile and wave, "take good care of him mom!"

the nurse, apparently jeongin's mom, nods and shoos him away, then she smiles at me and i see the resemblance. she's pretty too.


	19. smile and cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i missed like two weeks of updating because i didn't know what to write, but i guess i've got it (?)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                              20221112

 

hyunjinnie,

 

i'm so sorry... i don't know what came over me. i was just so angry and i just don't wanna lose you. i know i'm a horrible person and i couldn't hate myself more than i do now. i don't deserve your love or even your friendship. you don't deserve to continue living with my presence, so if you want me gone just tell me and i will leave you alone for good. i promise.

i don't want you to keep suffering because of me, so i should just let you be happy with jeongin. i should let you be happy without me, i know that i've been causing too many problems for you. it would be better for the both you and jeongin if i leave, won't it? you don't even have to tell me anymore, i will. from now on you won't hear from me again. no one will.

i was supposed to be the one to make you happy, but i realize now that i've made the man i love suffer... and i can't live with myself knowing that i did that to you.

it didn't take long for me to make this choice because if i can't have you, i will never be happy. and what's life without happiness? nothing. it would be an empty world void of love and your smile. i love you, hyunjin, i love and adore you with my entire being. but you don't. you only see me as a friend, and i'm not going to pretend like i'm fine with that because i'm not. so if i can't be anything more than that, i won't be anything at all because your friendship isn't enough. i want more than that. i want more of you. i want all of you, everything that jeongin has, i need. he has you and he doesn't realize that he has everything he needs. he has everything that's perfect in this fucking world because it's in you. it's always gonna be you.

but i guess that's what's wrong with me, that's my problem. i'm crazy about you and he isn't.

before i leave, i'll think of you. all of our beautiful memories, the amazing years that we spent together, i will take them to my grave. i'll smile and cry until i take my last breath for you.

i'll always love you, hyunjin hwang.

 

goodbye,

seungmin kim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and kudos and comments!! ily


	20. twelve o'clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> happy endingz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'llllllll literally i joined a conversation with my coworkers and them moment i got there one of them said "cat and dog" aND I ALMOST BARKED EYE-
> 
> i didn't though thank goodness
> 
> if ya'll stan txt, ya'll should know what that means lmaooooooo

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

**two weeks later:**

i don't really know what happened between seungmin and i, but everything seems to be back to normal? i mean, he's talking to me again, but he hasn't mentioned anything about the events from two weeks ago. i don't know where we stand right now, but then again, i don't know much anyways.

"hyunjin, let's go outside for lunch today." seungmin tells me during a long lecture that no one's paying attention to. i nod. "yeah sure," i agree, "have you told the guys yet?" i try to keep the conversation going because although he is talking to me, he's been pretty dry. "no," he says, my eyes widen a bit at his response, "i want us to be alone." seungmin adds. i don't say anything and just turn to the front pretending to pay attention to what mrs. jeon was talking about.

"i think we should talk about it." he says from behind me.

he didn't have to explain what "it" was, because we both knew. we were both thinking the same thing, it was the weight on both of our chests that we carried for a torturous thirteen days. "it" couldn't be pushed away and ignored anymore. we both knew that.

***

at eleven, the bell rang, dismissing us to fourth period. one more class. one more hour. one more panic attack. great.

well honestly probably more. let's try and get my mind off of this, maybe that'll calm me down.

still, i couldn't focus as my geometry teacher, mr. yoon, babbled on about his marriage. he complained every day, he barely even taught his classes. it was interesting to listen to, it kinda makes me wonder why him and his wife haven't gotten divorced yet. on the plus side, we don't do anything in his class thanks to his continuous whining. he doesn't even care if we don't listen, there are kids who sleep and a couple even skip class. but mr. yoon never succeeds in noticing student are missing. in the beginning, i actually kinda liked his class, he made jokes, he seemed to be happy all the time and he was serious about his job. he didn't make it past the second quarter though. no one ever took him seriously again. i wonder what changed...

all of a sudden, the damn bell rings and abruptly pulls me out of my thoughts. an hour has passed already? what the hell? i look at my wristwatch to make sure. 12:00. it's true. i knew i didn't have much time left, i knew i didn't. why am i freaking out so much? oh god if someone pushes me down the stairs right now, that would be really helpful. i looked around hoping someone heard my stupid thoughts. no one did of course, so instead, i throw myself down the stairs.

but not really.

i see seungmin standing by the door, he had a big lunch bag in one hand and a colorful plate full of grapes and strawberries. my feet almost took me the opposite way until i realized seungmin had already noticed me. he smiled softly and opened the door, letting me walk out first. we sat down across from each other on the benches of a small picnic table, he set the food in between us and stuffed an entire strawberry in his mouth.

with the only sounds being the wind and the light crunching of the strawberry in seungmin's mouth, i decided to speak first.

"so..." i began, "what'd you wanna talk about?" i asked, acting dumb. he looked annoyed and finished swallowing his strawberry, "oh c'mon, you know what we need to talk about..."

i nodded and opened the bag he brought, "yeah, i do know wh-"

"i'm really sorry, hyunjinnie," he interrupted, "i'm really sorry that i was being really distant to you, it wasn't your fault. you didn't do anything. i just- i don't know what i was thinking." his face fell and his hands trembled a little. "i wasn't thinking. i didn't know you would react that way and i'm really, really, really sorry." a guilty puppy looked back up at me, "please forgive me. i'll do anything, i can't lose you!"

"you can't lose me and you won't seungminnie." his body tensed at the cute nickname but i ignored it, "it's okay, i forgive you but..." he looked at me expectantly and nodded for me to continue, "but i need to apologize too."

"no you don't, it was my fault."

"just let me do this, okay?" i blurted out a little too loudly, he jumped a little, his eyes already brimming with hot tears. he nodded and chewed the inside of his cheek. "i'm sorry for exploding at you. i don't know what i did, but whatever it was, i hope you won't hold that against me in the future. let's keep supporting each other and always be there for each other, i don't want to lose you either."

the tears in seungmin's eyes fell quickly as he blinked them away with a smile, "you had every right to do and say the things you did, you shouldn't be sorry." he said, "and i'll always be there for you no matter what, i promise."

"me too, seungmin." i smiled as i popped a grape into my mouth, "so are we good now?"

"you shouldn't even have to ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just realized i say "ya'll" a lot lolol a true texan yEeHaW
> 
> anywhoooo thank you for reading and the kudos ilyyy
> 
> also, sorry for not updating(?) in like a couple weeks :(


	21. detention

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't update in the longest time whoops...

_**seungmin's pov** _

 

"so like," i look up and jisung's looking right into my eyes, making me feel a little awkward honestly, "everything's good between ya'll now, right?" all six boys look at me expectantly and i nod. "yeah..." i softly answer. "i hope." i add under my breath. _i know hyunjin said we were good again, i know he accepted my apology. i know that. but i wouldn't forgive me if i was him, i was such an asshole to him and he didn't deserve that from me. or from anyone else._ "hm?" felix hums in question. "h-huh? oh, nothing, lets just get to class on time for the first time in forever." felix laughs, "why would we do that?"

"i'd rather not..."

"seems unreasonable."

"you skip class more than all of us combined!"

"did you hit your head or..."

"ew, what's 'on time'?"

they all say simultaneously, "oh my god, okay fine!" i raise my voice, "let's just skip, there's literally no point in going to gym class i guess." i suggest. changbin patted my back, "wow, i thought we almost lost you." he says putting on his best 'i was so worried' face. i roll my eyes and laugh. i see hyunjin's pretty smiling face flash in my mind and i stop, "wait guys, lets skip next period so we can bring hyunjinnie with us." as soon as i finish my sentence, the bell rings. we're late as always. i'm honestly tired of being late to class all the time, i mean, if we get a tardy three times from the same teacher, we have detention for that week. meaning we have multiple detentions every damn week.

as we walk into class, i open the door for my friends and gesture for them to be quiet with my index finger. everyone nods and i nod back in satisfaction. we're practically tip-toeing towards the bleachers where the rest of the class is sitting. there's like two feet between us and the bleachers. minho bumps into jisung who bumps into chan who bumps into woojin. still, no one makes a sound. one more foot to go. two of our classmates just noticed we were coming and they snickered softly, i'm so sure we looked like idiots, but i can't go to another fucking detention. woojin is the first to reach the first step of the bleachers, he takes off his backpack and sets it softly on th-

"WHAT'S UP BITCHEZ, IT'S YA BO-" minho punches felix in the stomach, interrupting his loud ass yelling. everyone's staring at us now, a couple laughs and giggles erupted around the class, great. thanks, felix. the coach sighs loudly and rolls his eyes.

"felix lee, immediate detention. get outta here!" coach says in his loud voice. felix smiles and waves his middle finger up in the air, "whateverrrrr." he says and walks out of the gym. changbin laughs and sets his backpack down along with woojin's. "no! you do realize this is your SIXTH tardy this week, right boys?" coach yells, "you've been tardy every single day!" he continues, "immediate detention for all of you, ESPECIALLY YOU SEUNGMIN!"

"yeah, yeah whatever." a couple girls close to us giggled and i flipped them off, one of them smiled sarcastically and twirled her hair, looking the other way. woojin picked up his and changbin's backpack, handing it to it's owner and we all walked out of the gym. felix was waiting outside the door with a huge smile sprawled on his face. "thanks, felix." i said sarcastically. "you're welcome!" he beamed, i sigh and everyone smacked felix on the back of his head.

"hey, at least we don't have to work out anymore!" felix whines, "i did you guys a favor, you ungrateful rats!"

"i guess that's okay..." woojin responded.

**-detention-**

we finally arrived at the detention room, mrs. kim, the detention 'keeper', smiles at us, "you're back early!" she frowns, "what did you do?" chan points at felix, "ask _that_ dumbass." felix flushes light pink, "all i did was be me!" he whines. mrs. kim giggles and hands me the, all too familiar, sign in clipboard. there were a couple students already here, i scan their names quickly and my heart skips a beat. i go down the list of names again, this time slowly.

_hyunjin hwang_

his name is written in neat letters. hyunjin's here. i still feel extremely guilty about what i did. i scribble my name and the date quickly, throw the clipboard at whoever's behind me and rush into the room. i'm expecting hyunjin to have his head down or something. anything but what i'm seeing right now. he's sitting in a desk, laughing with jeongin brightly. their knees and feet are touching, basically tangled under their desks, which they obviously pushed closer together. i shouldn't be jealous, but i am. i stand there watching them laugh as jeongin brings himself even closer to hyunjin. my heart's bleeding out on the fucking floor. i don't remember how to breathe. a hand touches my shoulder softly, i whip my head to the side and find chan watching the scene in front of us. he mouths, "it'll be alright." at me with a sympathetic smile.

"yo hyunjin!" he yells. hyunjin looks up and stands with a smile, they bro-hug and jeongin introduces himself. the rest of the boys walk into the room and do the same. jeongin smiles beautifully. i hate him, but i've gotta admit: he's got the visuals of an angel, but god, that makes me hate him even more.

"seungmin, come on and meet jeongin!" hyunjin calls. i put on my best fake smile and walk over to the crowd of boys, "actually, we've already met!" hyunjin looks a little surprised but smiles anyways, "oh. alright, cool!"

mrs. kim clears her throat and introduces herself to the students, "hello, class! i'm mrs. kim," she says, even though literally everyone here is a usual, "the principal has informed me that detention will be a bit different from now on." the new principal's always changing things up, it's not giving her a good image from the students' view. "she gave an order that you will be cleaning the classrooms instead of sitting on your asses doing nothing for an hour." i gape at her and everyone around me erupts in rude comments about the principal and annoyed groans. "guys, this wasn't my idea, go talk to her if you have a problem with this." felix raises his hand, without waiting for mrs. kim to call on him, he speaks, "can i go speak to her right now? i just wanna talk." jeongin snickers and felix smiles at him. i roll my eyes, _is he trying to win them over?_

"ANYWAYS, felix, today you'll all be scraping the gum from the bottoms of each desk in this classroom and the one across from us." again, the room erupts in foul words and tired shouts. "alright, settle down class, i've seen each of you stick at least one of your nasty gums under these desks. especially you hyunjin." she squints at him, then turns around and picks up a big brown box and sets it on a desk in front of us, "now get moving!" she shouts happily. each of us picks up a scraping tool, some rubber gloves, and a plastic bag. we all get to working.

except for felix.

he doesn't give a damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the dumbest chapter i've ever written lololoillokoivhfdzgjdGS
> 
> thank you so much for reading and for all those beautiful kudos!!! <3


	22. present: seungmin's things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there will be no more letters, now there'll be like actual chapters.
> 
> "present: --" equals the present times in which they characters are living at the moment. the other chapters are what happened before college: high school. 
> 
> basically, it's like flashbacks, but for the reader, none of the characters are having these flashbacks unless stated otherwise.
> 
> enjoy!

present: 20221112

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

 _"힘들지 않아 거친 정글속에_  
_뛰어든 건 나니까 I'm okay_  
_We goin’ higher 다음 도시 속에_  
_빌딩들 내려보며 fly all day..."_

 

my alarm blasts my new favorite song loudly at 8:00 in the morning, the song bouncing on the walls of my small dorm room. isn't seungmin usually up and about at this time? _he probably left early for class_... i laugh at that thought... _impossible._ i turn MIROH by stray kids down a bit and head to my shared restroom to wash my face and brush my teeth to get ready for my first class of the day. i grab my toothbrush, squish out the last of the toothpaste out onto the bristles of the brush and begin brushing my teeth slowly cause that's how fucking tired i am.

i spit out some toothpaste-saliva mixture into the sink and look at my reflection in the mirror. _damn, i don't look too good._ i'll go grab one of seungmin's face masks after i finish. i try splashing my face with water like in those commercials but ended up making puddles of water all over our tiny restroom floor. "aw shit." i curse under my breath. i grab a towel hanging from a hook on the door and drop it on the floor to dry up the mess i made.

 _wait, where's the other towel? did seungmin take them to wash and not take mine? wow_. i look into the mirror and shake my head with a disappointed expression as if my reflection was seungmin. i look down at the sink, then to my toothbrush. only my toothbrush. i feel my heart pump faster, i can already feel a thin sheet of sweat on my skin. where's seungmin's toothbrush? his face wash? his hair brush? my head's whipping in every direction to find anything that belongs to seungmin. i can't find anything. so i run out of the restroom into his own room. the only things left are the bed frame and the worn out mattress that was here before we moved in. a folded up page torn from a notebook sat on top of it, neatly folded, my name written in small letters on top. my heart's already dropped to the ground.

did i do this? it's my fault. it's my fucking fault. i didn't mean to hurt him...

i open the letter, the paper wrinkled and dried tears littered it, making the pen-written words fade and smear a little.

" _from now on you won't hear from me again. no one will."_

i drop the letter in my lap and run to my room, stumbling over my feet, my vision blurred from the boiling tears threatening to fall. i grab my phone harshly and dial seungmin's number as fast and my fingers could. the line gets cut off, not even a single ring. i re-dial with no luck. i re-dial again and again and again until all i can do is scream. i scream and let the fucking tears fall. i couldn't hold them back anyways. god, i feel so helpless. i don't know what to do. file a missing persons case? call the police?

i can call jeongin. _**"hey, you've reached jeongin yang! i can't come to the phone right now, just leave a message i guess?"** beep._

"jeongin, i- i made a mistake. please wake up. i need you right now. please- please come to my dorm." i hang up before i sob into the phone.

i can call chan. and so i do. he answers. i sigh in relief. finally someone answers.

he's right across the hall, so it doesn't take him long to get here. he brought woojin with him. woojin is cradling me in his arms as he finishes reading seungmin's letter. my tears fell a little slower with chan and woojin by my side, comforting me, telling me that it wasn't my fault. i don't believe it, but them just being here is helping me out more than whatever they're saying. i looked up into woojin's glossy eyes and i can't help but sob louder. chan finishes reading the letter and sits on my other side. he holds my hand and give me a small, sympathetic, worried, smile. i hold on to woojin tighter and dig my head into the crook of his neck.

"it's not your f-"

"YES IT FUCKING IS CHAN! HOW CAN YOU TELL ME IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT?!" i yell and push woojin off of me, "IT'S MY FAULT! I LOVE HIM, CHAN! I LOVE HIM WITH MY FUCKING SOUL AND I LIED TO HIM! I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T LOVE HIM!" chan's eyes began brimming with tears and he stood up, angry.

"HYUNJIN IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" he yells back, "YOU LOVE JEONGIN TOO! YOU COULDN'T JUST LEAVE HIM LIKE THAT!"

"I DON'T LOVE HIM AS MUCH AS I LOVE SEUNGMIN!" i yell back without thinking, "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE SEUNGMIN! ALWAYS! HE MEANS MORE TO ME THAN JEONGIN EV-"

"HYUNJ-"

"hy-hyunjinnie?" jeongin is standing in the doorway to my room. he's shaking and his hurt face is stained with dripping tears. he visibly gulps and falls to the ground in front of us, his shoulders are basically vibrating with loud sobs. "you- you don't love me?"

"jeongin, i -uh..." he looks up from the ground, "what, hyunjin?" i step closer to him and he shoots up, moving away from me. "don't come closer. it's okay that you don't love me..."

"but i do, jeongin! i love you so much!" i feel my heart shaking uncontrollably, i can't breathe. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN!" jeongin yells wildly, he steps backwards, stumbling a little, "i hate you." he says softly.

"no, please don't say that." i beg, stepping closer to him. he staggers backwards, "IT'S OKAY THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME BECAUSE I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU HYUNJIN HWANG!" jeongin rages, his small body shaking in anger like a dead leaf in the wind. "please, please please, please stop saying that!" i beg louder, "i love you jeongin!"

"STOP FUCKING LYING! I DON'T LOVE YOU HYUNJIN!" i step closer and try to reach for his hands. he moves them away, bringing his hands up to my chest and pushing harshly, "I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

woojin tries to hold me but i shake him off viciously and step closer to jeongin, my tears flowing down my face without any sign of stopping, "please don't say that, jeongin!"

chan steps in front of me, face contorted angrily, "stop pushing woojin, and stop lying to jeongin. you said what you said. there's no turning back." he pushes out the words through gritted teeth. impossibly, my heart shatters again. my weak and trembling legs give out, before i hit the floor, my head hits something cold and hard, i hear a scream and i don't know if that was me or someone else. a crack and glass falling on the floor ring in my head loudly. something warm runs rapidly down my face and into my eyes, down my neck and it slowly pools on the floor around my head. someone rolls me over, his face close, "hyunjin!" his voice distant. i can't tell who it is.

i stopped trying to see, to focus on the person in front of me. i hoped i would pass ou-

and then, everything was black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl, i straight up suck at angst..... but i tried lmfao :(


	23. (not) a secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to write a lighter chapter after the last one lolol

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

today i finally got the courage to do something great. i'll be able to do what i've wanted to do for a long time. i had only seen it in those movies my mom forbade me to watch, so i watched them under the covers late at night. since i didn't talk to anyone, i had never experienced this...  feeling. i never even thought i would be able to do what the boys and girls did in the screens, although i really only watched the boys. it was amazing, eye-opening, life changing! you could see the pure joy on their faces, the tears they tried so hard to hold in came without consent. their pain in the beginning morphed into something pretty towards the end, crooked smiles on their wet faces, their sweat and tears.

the courage they had to do it, i finally had. i found someone to share this special moment with. i feel it would bring us even closer, more than just friends. it was seungmin, and maybe in time, even the rest of the boys.

_but i want my first time to be with someone as special to me as seungmin._

_or should it be my mom? or maybe my dad?_

_fuck. maybe i should come out to my parents first. they're a little homophobic, but they should know, right? wait no, i need to tell seungmin first. or maybe i should tell all seven of them at the same time. yeah, sounds like a plan. just get it over with, rip off the band-aid. sounds simple enough._

_fuck, i'm already sweating. holy shit, i need water. shit shit shit shit shit fuuuck. i shouldn't do this. i'm not ready yet._

_but then again, aren't they all gay too? they wouldn't judge or laugh. nah, of course they wouldn't! i'm being a dumbass. but what if they do laugh? what if they tell me they don't want to hang out with me anymore? wait no, why would they do that? they wouldn't! hyunjin shut the fuck up._

i brought both hands up to my scalp and pulled my hair until it hurt as much as the pain that spreading throughout my brain. i let go of my hair, giving my poor scalp a break and bounce on my feet. i swing at the air a couple time and shake my head around like a boxer about to get in the ring and beat the blood out of their opponent's face. someone snickers from behind me and i freeze, they walk past me and i continue my headassery. i slap my face a couple times and face the wall, i nod. i'm ready.

_i'm gonna do it._

i pull the cafeteria doors open.

_i'm gonna do it._

i strut towards the table where my rowdy friends are already sitting.

_i'm gonna do it._

minho slightly turns to the side and very obviously catches me on his peripheral.

_i'm g-_

he faces me and waves his hand over with a smile that could make any man and woman fall on their knees in front of him and kiss his ring-free knuckles.

and suddenly, i can't breathe. felix looks over, wearing a closed smile on his lips in contrast to his worried eyes and scrunched up brows. i was so close to the table! so close! but fucking minho had to look at me and smile! after two seconds of pure shock, i turn on my heels and make a run for it. i almost slipped on a puddle of spilled orange juice, but i catch myself and i sprint like a maniac. still not being able to breathe, i stop at the exit gasping for the much-needed oxygen that is somehow not flooding my damned lungs. _breathe lil' fucker! BREATHE!_

a hand touches my shoulder, startling me enough to jump what feels like five feet in the air. "yo, are you good?" a familiar voice asks, i wheeze back in response, "dude, breathe!" the guy turns me around, a wide-eyed felix standing in front of me, his hands on my shoulders. i'm trying! he closes his eyes and says, "follow what i do." i nod and close my eyes, he takes a deep breath, "smell the roses," then breathes out, "and blow out the candles." he repeats the exercise a couple until he abruptly stops. i open my eyes, meeting his pretty, round eyes. he smiles reassuringly and hooks his arm on mine and guides me into the school's nasty cafeteria and towards the table i legit just ran away from.

felix sits me next to minho, he smirks at me, "falling for me hurts that much?" i scoff, "i really just left him breathless guys!" he turned to the packed table and jisung smacked the back of his head, maybe a little too hard.

"hyunjinnie, are you okay? did something happen?" woojin asks.

"did someone hurt you?" chan asks, balling his fists in front of him. jisung barks out a loud laugh, "yeah, okay. this school better watch out if ya'll bully one of us!" he yells mockingly, no one in the cafeteria heard, or if they did, they showed no signs of it. even the other six boys ignored him. they look at each other, this is most likely an ongoing joke that i'm obviously not a part of. "hey give me a reaction! at least give a little chuckle!" jisung pouts.

"ha ha, hee hee." changbin literally says, his voice harshly monotone. i giggle slightly at changbin's humor and jisung pretends i laughed at what he said. "THANK YOU, HYUNJIN! THANK YOU!" i let him think i did, "hah yeah." i give him a thumbs up and then i clear my throat, though i could barely hear myself over the eruption of their playful arguing. might as well do this now.

just... rip off the band-aid. right?

"uh, guys?" they definitely didn't hear me over the "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" of jisung, seungmin and minho, and the "NOT IN PUBLIC YOU RASCALS!" of woojin, the loud laughter of chan, and the high pitched screams and giggles coming from a playful ball of felix's and changbin's fists and legs rolling around on the floor. "guys~" i sing, getting louder. they thankfully ignore the cute sound that embarrassingly came out of my mouth, but i know being cute will make them drop everything, including their jaws. i get up and stand in front of the ball of humans and put one hand on my hip and the other i make into a peace sign and put next to my eye, and close my eyes with a smile. "AHAHAHAHAHA GAYY!" felix yells as the rest of them groan and jisung pretends to throw up obnoxiously.

"i just need to tell you something, oppas!" i continue my cringy aegyo and earn some more groans and gags from the group. i laugh nervously, not really sure why i went so far as aegyo, embarrassed to fucking hell and sit down. "ANYWAYS," i clear my throat, "i actually do have something to tell you."

"alright." is literally the only response i get other than a couple nods and mildly bored looks. "it's important, life changing!" i pause for dramatic effect, "it's..." i pretend to check for people behind me who might be listening, "... a secret." i whisper loud enough so that everyone at the table can hear. they all gasp dramatically, going along with my headass. i clear my throat and pause for a longer time to-

"what is it you dumbass?" felix yells excitedly. i chuckle. "okay i'll just say it." felix and everyone else nods, signaling me to continue. they all look at me expectantly. their eyes wide with anticipation. _fuck_. i gulp extremely audibly and visibly that most of their eyes flicker to my neck and then back up at my eyes. _holy shit_. a thin sheet of sweat coats like every inch of my body. _is it hot in here? it wasn't a few minutes ago, right?_ i can see seungmin's leg bouncing under the table, his entire body moving in the same pace.

i gulp again, careful not to make too much sound and then i clear my throat. "well, uh..." i start, "basically what i wan- i had a speech prepa- i uh..." _why am i so damn nervous? they will not judge! i know this!_ i nod to myself reassuringly, somehow, a couple trickles of confidence flooded into my body. "you know what? whatever!" i yell excitedly, "i'm gay!" i stand up and say it louder, "i am gay!"

the boys don't move, they're expressionless! _what the hell?_ they're staring at me blankly. suddenly, i can't find the confidence i had a couple seconds ago, my smile falters, i feel my heart pound faster and louder.

"are we supposed to pretend we didn't know that?"

"honestly."

"i thought that was a given?"

"had this not been established already?"

"jinnie, we been knew!"

"my gay-dar knew even before i met you."

_oh._


	24. you're gay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'll, downtown Houston is beautiful! if you ever get the chance, come and enjoy the tunnelsssss! i love my city <3

_**seungmin's pov** _

 

"i'm pretty sure i like jeongin, too."

and that's when i literally heard my heart shatter. i physically felt the shards of glass stab the inside of my body and fall out of my ass. so i laughed. did i mishear? i must've misheard. my ears are clogged right? "nah, you heard correctly." jisung said with a big smile on his face, oblivious to the random pieces of my heart scattered on the floor. did i say that out loud? "yup!" he answered. i roll my eyes to keep myself from thinking out loud again. i walk away from the table slowly. hyunjin confesses he's gay AND he confesses he likes jeongin? with my luck, they'll be a couple by the end of this damned day.

"seungmin!" chan called from behind me, he jogs towards me as i turn around, "hey, are you okay?" i smile an extremely sarcastic smile and look at him dead in the eyes. "yeah, i just need to go to the restroom." i start to turn around, but chan's hand falls on my shoulder and he pulls me back gently. "i'll go with you." i shrug his hand off, "no, we're not girls." i give him an annoyed look. "so?" he inquires. "so we shouldn't go to the restroom together! it'll look weird..."  i answer. chan rolls his eyes and laughs softly, "dude, i'm going with you, i know you're not okay." i scoff and turn around again, i'm not gonna have this conversation right now. chan falls into step with me, walking right next to me. he swings his arm over my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. "don't worry about it dude, it's just a crush," he says, "we're not even sure jeongin likes him back."

"jeongin told me he's straight, you know?" i start, knowing damn well i won't be able to stop this upcoming mini-rant, i continue, "but have you seen him cling to hyunjin like that booger in your nose?" chan hit my head with his arm as he took it off of my shoulders and swiped a couple times at his nose, i laugh before i keep blabbering, "he obviously fucking likes him back! i wouldn't be surprised if he did!" i look at chan seriously, "jeongin can't even admit that he's gay, or whatever he might be. he doesn't deserve hyunjin!"

we arrive at the restroom and walk in. chan puts a finger to his mouth signaling me to shut up and checks the stalls for unwanted ears, he nods and waves a hand telling me to continue. i take a deep breath, "i don't even know why hyunjin likes that rat. he's not even cute!" chan gives me a look. "okay, he is cute. is he cuter than me, though?" i give him a pout, chan doesn't answer, the awkward silence telling me that jeongin is cuter than me, "i'll take that as a no." i say instead of sounding insecure. "i just don't get it! jeongin flirts with hyunjin yet he looks me in the eyes and tells me not to worry because he's straight! i call bullshit, anyone can tell he's not! is he embarrassed about being gay? that's the dumbest shit i've ev-" chan clears his throat loudly, "-er heard! like damn it, jeongin! just admit that yo-" chan grabs my head and whirls me into his arms, closing my mouth with one of his hands.

... speak of the devil. "jeongin!" chan exclaims nervously. jeongin wears an awkward smile as he stands by the door. woah, isn't it ironic that this is the exact restroom where jeongin told me he's straight? funniest shit ever.

"what did you want me to admit, seungmin?" his eyes flickered to look at me, still in chan's fucking arms. i try to squirm away from chan's grip until chan opens his arms voluntarily. my mouth ready to throw insults towards hyunjin's crush. "i want you to admit that you're fucking gay! just do it! everyone already knows, even hyunjin!" jeongin visibly stopped breathing, his face turning as red as a cherry. i smile diabolically as he opens his mouth, then closes it. as he struggles to say something, to admit he's gay. "you can't even say it." i tsk and shake my head is disappointment, "and i had faith in you."

chan grabs my arms and holds it a little too tightly, "leave the poor boy alone," he whispers harshly into my ear, "he doesn't wan-"

"you're such a fucking pussy, jeongin yang. it's disappointing." i feel my anger getting stronger. i'm not mad at him, i'm-, "you don't deserve hyunjin, he shouldn't have fallen for you." mad that i'm not good enough for hyunjin. jeongin's teary eyes widen in surprise, he looks at chan who has the most disappointed expression i've ever seen on him.

i fucked up didn't i?

"you really fucking did, seungmin." chan says. okay, that was a rhetorical question and i wasn't supposed to say that out loud. what's up with my mouth today? jeongin is still gaping at us as chan takes my arm in that tight grip of his and pulls me out of the restroom.

"hyunjin's gonna hate me."

 "who says he has to know?" chan answers nervously, he looks down at me and his face matches his voice. "bro, i'm pretty sure jeongin's gonna confess to hyunjin after this." i say, my heart somehow breaking for the second time today. "and it's your fault." chan states. "I KNOW!" i groan. chan let's go of my arm and i cling to him instead of giving his personal space. he hugs me back and i sag in his arms feeling unusually drained. emotionally and physically. i try to swallow the huge ball of pain stuck in my throat, the tears already forming under my closed eyelids.

suddenly, the bell dismissing our lunch period rang, sending a couple tears racing down my cheeks. i swiped at them quickly and we walked into the cafeteria to grab our backpacks. the group of boys were barely getting up from their chairs, laughing loudly as they threw away their empty paper plates in the trashcan. "KObe!" jisung yells as the threw a huge ball of used napkins towards the can. well, mostly towards it, he missed by a whole ass foot. minho and felix busted out laughing. "it was too light! the air blew it away!"

felix rolled his eyes, "we're indoors, you moron!" him and minho laughed along with changbin, woojin and hyunjin. just then i noticed that hyunjin had my backpack on his shoulders and was dragging his on the ground. "yo hyunjin! pass me my backpack, you don't have to carry it!"

but, instead of passing it, like a normal human would, he takes the biggest breath and YEETS IT AT ME. honestly, what the fuck. anyways, i dodged it pretty well and it slammed into the table behind me with a loud crack. and when i say i loud... i mean my macbook was in there.

i couldn't help but laugh. is it fuck-over-seungmin day today? cause this day is fucking cursed. i swear it is! at least for me! "dude... what was in there?" hyunjin slowly walked up to me, "was it something important?" he asked, his eyes wide in freight. "yes, my macbook was in there!" i should've said, instead i said, "nah, just a couple of binders. they're easily replaceable." i smile. he doesn't look convinced. neither does anyone else. "are you sure? it was pretty lo-" the late bell rings, yet it's ignored by our group.

"no, i'm sure, don't worry about it." i interrupted, trying to keep my anger at bay. he still didn't look convinced. "lemme see..." he said seriously. i scoff, "it doesn't matter, hyunjin!"

"seungmin." woojin warns. i ignore him. "seungmin, let me see your backpack." hyunjin reaches out to grab the bag behind me. i shove his arm away, "i said it doesn't fucking matter! just leave me the hell alone!" i snatch my backpack off the table and run out of the cafeteria.

i'm not mad at him. i'm not. i just- why couldn't i be good enough for him?

why couldn't he like me?

why?

\--

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

"was there something important in there?" i asked the guys behind me. no one said anything. oh god, what did i do? "what was it?"

"it was his macbook. he has his poetry in there..." chan trailed off, "but that's not why he's upset. his parents can get him another one by the end of this period if he calls them."

"yeah, and that's why i don't know why he freaked out like that." jisung said.

"do you think it's okay to talk to him?" i ask worriedly. i turn towards chan and woojin. chan shakes his head, "not yet."

\--

 **[12:47PM] jeongin ❤:** hey, let's meet up. i need to talk to you

 **[12:47PM] jeongin ❤:** it's urgent...

 **[12:49PM] me:** time and place?

 **[12:50PM] jeongin ❤:** left wing staircase, third floor. at 1

 

it's almost one. i raise my hand. "yes mr. hwang?" i walk towards mr. choi's desk, "may i go to the restroom?" the teacher sighs, "i'm in the middle of a lesson."

"please? it's an emergency."

"fine. take the pass and sign out."

"will do, sir." _god, i hate talking so formally._

 

 **[12:53PM] me:** omw

 **[12:53PM] jeongin ❤:** me too

 **[12:54PM] me:** aight cool

\--

 

jeongin's standing by the staircase window as i walk down from the fourth floor stairs. he heard the click of my shoes as i walk towards him, i can tell he did by the way he tensed, but he doesn't turn around. "hey." he says, still facing the window. he finally turns to look me in the eyes, "i'll say it quickly so i won't get in trouble."

my heart beat quickens it's pace, "is something wrong?"

"no," he smiles, "i just need to tell you- confess..." he corrects himself. "i know you like me..." he says. oh fuck... is it that obvious? my poor heart's ready to jump out any second now. "w-what? how'd you- what the..."

"it doesn't matter how i know," he smiles, "i like you too." oh. is this what heaven is? the guy i like finally likes me? butterflies fill my body, flapping their wings anxiously.

"really?" is this even possible? am i daydreaming?

he nods, "yeah, i really like you. since the day i met you." his cheeks are tinted a pretty pink. oh my god, he's beautiful. "but i don't think we should date yet."

and poof, my dreams were stolen away from me.

wait, _yet_?

"let's get to know each other more," he explains, "we've only known each other for two months."

"sounds like a plan!" i smile, trying my hardest not to let the explosions in my heart show too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos guys ;-; they keep me motivated!
> 
> also, let's see how seungmin reacts to jeongin confessing to hyunjin :0
> 
> follow me on twt! my dm's are always open @ minglossjr
> 
> <33333


	25. present: remember, i love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoo, this is gonna be tough!

present: 20221123

_**hyunjin's pov** _

_[AM 03:49]_

 

it's been a little over a week since seungmin left. i haven't been going to my classes, i haven't gone out in a while. my phone's been laying unconscious for a couple days... it's not dead, i shut it off, shutting my friends out in the process. my friends knock on the door, leaving minutes later after i don't answer the door.

jeongin hasn't come to check up on me. will he ever come back? probably not... i wouldn't, so i shouldn't expect him to. i... understand. i fucked up.

i've been sleeping in seungmin's old, bare mattress. it doesn't even smell like him anymore.

"seungmin," i whisper to myself, "wh-"

_knock knock knock_

who the hell's knocking at my door at fucking four in the morning?

i groan and get slowly swing my legs over the bed, my toes kissing the stone cold tiles of the room. the tiles that seungmin chose with eagerly, already imagining what the flooring in our new dorm would look like. i smile at the memory, smiling through the aching of my heart, a black hole where seungmin's presence should be, sucking the life out of my soul. i sigh, close my eyes, and let a yawn out. my back arching and my arms reaching towards the ceiling as i stretch my muscles out from laying in bed for probably more than a day.

_knock knock knock knock knock knock_

i roll my eyes, ignoring the rising urgency in the knocks of whoever's at the door. i sigh again, flinching at the potent smell of my breath. _holy shit, that's nasty_. i probably look and smell like shit. i haven't taken a shower in a couple days, what with being curled up on seungmin's deserted room all day, every day. maybe it's time to look in the mirror. i finally stand up, my feet dragging themselves out of seungmin's room and into our shared bathroom. i turn on the dim, yellow light. i stand in front of the mirror looking down and cover my eyes with my hands, not entirely ready to reveal myself to myself. i let my hands fall down to their natural place and instead of being scared or disgusted... i feel... bad for myself. seungmin has this effect on me. and i had that effect on him. i love h-

_knock knock_

"hyunjin, please." those two words were enough to send my heart racing, palpitating, and completely shattering all at once at the brokenness and complete sadness in that voice. in that moment, i watch a tear slip down my cheek without permission. should i answer? am i ready to face him? as if my brain and body were out of sync, my feet were already taking me to the door, my hands were already unlocking the door and twisting the doorknob too quickly for my brain to process. he shoves himself through the door and embraces me tightly, surely he can feel my heart pulsating faster than the speed of light through my chest. the sudden movements sends us to the floor.

"jeongin!" i croak. his head snuggles into the crook of my neck at the sound of his name. he came back. his soft sniffles gradually got louder, my eyes pooling with boiling tears and spilling onto jeongin's neck.

"i'm so sorry, jeongin." i whimper. he lifts his head, immediately making me miss his warmth. he smiles. it isn't his beautiful bright smile, not the one i'm used to seeing. it's not the one that gives me an entire zoo in my stomach. it's a... sad smile. a red, and teary-eyed smile, a broken-hearted smile. it's a rare smile, the one that gives my heart a prolonged, stinging pain. it's one that i don't want to see on him ever again.

"it's okay, hyunjin." he says with the same smile. he turns towards the open door and crawls off of me, shutting the door with his foot in the process. i whine at the complete loss of his heat. "it's okay because no matter how much you break my heart," he looks away from me and into seungmin's empty room, "i'll always love you." he turns to me again, not smiling anymore, not sad... he's angry. shaking with a passion so strong and _there_ that i can't help but feel small in his anger.

"but i hate you!" jeongin screams, strong, yet broken and shaky. "why don't you love me?" he yells, the veins in his neck protruding like fierce serpents, "it's _not_ okay, hyunjin! it isn't because you don't get to lie to my face every single day saying you love me when it's a _lie_!" he stands up and in his rage, tears fall even faster than before. "how could you love another man while you're with me? how _dare_ you?!" he fumes.

"i-it's not a lie..." i say, "i lo-"

jeongin scoffs, "you're really gonna lie to me, hyunjin?" he says through gritted teeth, "again?" he chuckles, dry, humorless. "i missed you." he says sharply, his cold, dead eyes say otherwise. his false smile falters, his hand reaches into his back pocket, "i didn't come here to confess though." i hear a loud click from is back, my breath hitches. he visibly gulps, "remember," he starts, his hand slowly moves outwards revealing the handgun his father gave him when he turned eighteen, "i love you."

i stand in front of him, frozen. the pit of my stomach pooling with regret, fear, and cowardice. he wouldn't shoot me. he wouldn't.

his hand stretches out in front of him, the gun in his shaking hands pointing straight at my chest. he licks his lips and smiles the same sad smile again.

"jeo-"

_bang bang_

 

_bang_

_\--_

_BREAKING NEWS: This just in, a shooting at Miroh University. A murder-suicide, the SMPA says, two young males involved. Their names and ages haven't been revealed, all that is known is that both have been pronounced dead with two shots in the chest area and the other with a single shot in the head-_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooo, i can't write lmao :0
> 
> the boys have been pronounced dead :( 
> 
> it's not over yet thoughhhhhh :)


	26. his other half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wowza i have a lot to do today :/
> 
> anyways
> 
> i'm LIITERALLY SEEING STRAY KIDS IN 10 DAYS OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
> 
> BITCH I'M HECKING EXCITED AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

_**jeongin's pov** _

 

i honestly thought seungmin was a threat to me. i saw the way he looked at him, but maybe i was too busy watching seungmin to notice the love of my life looked at me the same way. maybe hyunjin was too busy looking at me that he didn't even notice his best friend is probably as in love with him as i am.

but i guess i got to him first. ironically, with hyunjin's help. but he didn't have to do it that way. that asshole. i knew i was gay. i know! i was just keeping it to myself...

why wouldn't i when my friends at my old school left me as soon as i came out to them? with their disgusted stares and laughs, pointing their dirty little fingers six inches deep into my chest, mocking me. asking me "do you like any of us?" throwing my backpack in the trashcan and pouring their milk all over it. when they intruded into my locker and stuffed it with colorful fucking dildos so that when i open it, they scattered all over the floor. then taking it further and throwing face down on the floor, pretending like they were going to fuck me with them. giving me the worst of hell with their punches and kicks during lunch until struggled for air and started choking on the blood pouring out from my mouth, onlookers chanting "fag" some even chanting "kill him" then leaving me for dead on the gym floor. i spent most of my time in the nurse's office when my mom wasn't there, i didn't want her to worry. but i was so tired of being scared to go to school, to walk home as i used to do every day, being scared to get _killed_ by my old friends any day.

that was just the first month since i came out to them. i wouldn't have been able to survive.

when i came here, there was already a group of seven best friends who were mostly all dating each other. they supposedly each traveled across their entire circle of friends, finally landing on "the one". and i watched as they took in hyunjin, and already there were a couple heart-eyed guys falling for his good looks and that _smile_. oh my gosh, _that smile_. yet, it was like they let seungmin finally get his bone, none of them tried to make a move knowing damn well they could with _their_ looks and... just _everything_.

and then i came along and ruined seungmin's plans... i guess hyunjin was meant for _me_...

 

 **[01:13PM] me:** hey i forgot to ask...

 **[01:13PM] me:** you wanna go out friday?

 **[01:14PM] me:** like to walk around and buy some ddukbokki?

 **[01:15PM]** **me:** on me :)

 

***

 

_**hyunjin's pov** _

 

"jeongin told me he likes me~" i sang as i skipped back to my class. wow. it's been a while since my crush liked me back... about umm never years ago? yeah seems right. or at least that i know of, but that's basically impossible for me so...

i opened the door to my class and skipped in, "what took you so long mr. hwang?" my teacher looked at me with an extremely bored expression. i wasn't even gone that long. i pout, "i'm sorry mr. choi, for some reason the restroom was full right now." i bullshitted freestyle mode. mr choi obviously didn't believe me, but nodded anyways, dismissing my excuse and i made my way to my desk.

"what's with the face?" the girl next to me asked.

"what face?" i asked back. "you were smiling from ear to ear, i've never seen you like that." she smiled big, giving me a visual of what i looked like moments ago.

"oh, something special happened." i winked at her and the girl turned as red as the hair tied up in pigtails on the sides of her head like a child's hairdo. then she giggled and jokingly said, "you flirt, i have a boyfriend!" with a cute, dimpled smile. i smiled back, "i'll have one soon too."

_buzz buzz_

_buzz_

"really? oh my gosh, that's so exciting!" she smiled at me, her sharp eyes closing with joy, i nod with enthusiasm. "i know! i'm so happy. when he confessed to me, i almost kissed him then and there!" i bounced slightly in my seat and she giggled at my giddiness. "well why didn't you?" the unnamed girl asked.

i sighed, "he said he wanted to wait so we could get to know each other more..." the girl nodded in thought, "maybe he's nervous?"

i shrug, "i don't know... maybe." i mumble, thinking about the idea as well. "oh!" the girl exclaims, "excuse my manners, i'm soojin yang!" she held out her hand, "and you're hyunjin hwang, i believe." soojin's smile shone brightly. surprised, i shook her soft, small hand.

"how do you know my name?" i asked, genuinely curious.

"i've heard a lot about you back at home." she giggled with the same, familiar dimpled smile. _buzz_

"is that jeonginnie?" soojin asked, perking her little head up, her pigtails bobbing on her head. "uh yeah it could be..."

i pulled out my phone from my back pocket and see the notifications. "yeah, it's him." i smile at my phone and then look up at soojin, "he's asking me out on a date i think." soojin gasped and then squealed as she bounced in her seat the way i did, "lemme see!" i hand her my phone and she squeals louder, turning the heads of the entire class, including mr. choi. he frowned at us and ran his hand through his balding scalp, ignoring our squeals and turning to the board again.

"are you gonna say yes?" she asks, practically begging me to do so with her eyes. i nod and she squeals again. "he's gonna be in such a good mood today!"

 

 **[01:16PM] me:** sounds great!

 **[01:16PM] me:** and no, it's on me

 

"so you're his sister?" i ask. "yep!" she chirps.

"ohhhh his twin right?" she chirps again with an affirming nod, "i can tell."

"i know right! it's kinda scary, but it's fun to see what i would look like if i was a guy."

_buzz_

"that's actually pretty cool," i put on my best pout, "i wish i had a twin sister, you seem great." soojin giggled. _buzz_

 

 **[01:16PM] jeongin ❤**  : nope, i asked you out so it's on me

 

"i am great aren't i? being jeonginnie's wingman n' all." she crossed her arms with a smile, "wing _wo_ man." she corrects herself.

 

 **[01:17PM] me:** nah, i'll pay. don't you worry abt it

 

"you're adorable!" i gush, "just like jeongin." soojin's face flushes red and covered her self with her dainty hands.

"ahh no, stop it!" she squeals, "don't compare me to that sack of potatoes, i'm cuter!"

i laugh, "yeah okay." i mock her. she pouts at me, "i am!" she whines. _buzz_

 

 **[01:18PM] jeongin ❤ :** i'll pay and that's the end of this conversation! hmph

 

i chuckle at the twins, "okay, you're right," i say, "you definitely are cuter."

soojin smiles and nods, "i know."

 

 **[01:18PM] me:** i'll pay you back then

 **[01:18PM] jeongin ❤ :** look you rascal, i'm not letting you pay for anything

 **[01:19PM] jeongin ❤ :** got it?

 **[01:19PM] me:** hey! watch how you talk to your elders kid

 **[01:19PM] jeongin ❤ :** pfft as if

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! i hope you found my crappy writing somewhat enjoyable :)
> 
> and thank you for giving this story kudos! like wow dude that's literally so cool


	27. confession time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo i didn't update last week heh 
> 
> also, bro this past sunday was the stray kids concert and it was literally AMAZING I COULD NOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH
> 
> i mean GA was trash but the boys made up for it lmaooooo

_**seungmin's pov** _

 

if jeongin's confessing to hyunjin, maybe i should too? i'm gonna wipe that cute little smile off jeongin's adorable little face. he's cute, but he can't beat THIS! well, let's get this show on the road. i look into my bathroom mirror, staring harshly at a cow-lick that's pointing at the sky, challenging me, smirking at me with the thick lump of hair gel that was supposed to keep it down. i wash the gel out of my hair, hoping that whatever god's watching me struggle, will have mercy on me, at least for today. i dip my head under the sink faucet and run warm water all over my hair, making sure i get that cow-lick extra wet.

"please, please, please work." i mumble to myself as i pat my hair dry with a fuzzy towel. immediately i grab my mom's soft bristle hairbrush and comb downwards quickly before my hair dries too quickly, my hair, smoothed down except for a gigantic bump of hair right in the middle. i inhale and exhale loudly, annoyed to the fullest at my hair. i want to scream in frustration, but that will only give me adrenaline and make me act impulsively, i would probably end up cutting it off and regretting it soon after my adrenaline settles.

"hey, seungmin," mom calls from behind me, i yelp in surprise, clutching my chest in fake pain. my mom laughs and walks over to me, her eye on the lump on my head. she reaches over with a dainty finger to poke at it like it's roadkill. i dodge her finger and whine incoherently at her. she chuckles.

"you need help with that, sweetheart?" i nod with pout and she chuckles again. she smiles and makes an 'okay' sign with both her hands, "i'll be right back!" and she sprints out of my room. i sit on the toilet set lid to wait until she comes back, i fiddle with my drying hair, worrying that i won't look good for hyunjin today. a clanging sounds from outside of my room and with a couple of grunts later, my mom walks into my restroom with arms full of hair products. i stare at her before i jump out of my seat to help her put everything down.

"thank you, minnie." she exhales, and claps her hands a couple times before she taps a finger on he lip, eyes running through every product before she lands on the chosen one. her entire face lights up and she picks up a ceramic hair dryer and the comb. her face changed slightly and she dropped the products in the sink and ran into my room. a second later, she rolled in my desk chair and patted the leather, gesturing for me to sit.

"now watch what i do, take notes, pay attention." she says, leaning down to level her head with mine, we make eye contact through the mirror, "you'll need it again some day." she pats my shoulder and begins the magic show. she plugs in the hair dryer and slowly blows my hair completely dry with it, then she points the dryer at an angle on the cow-lick and brushes it down with the hairbrush. the heat of the dryer was beginning to burn my scalp and i think i felt it start getting raw with the continuous brushing. i howl i pain and try to move away, but she holds my head with her elbows. after what felt like an eternity in the burning fires of hell, she unplugs the hair dryer and grabs the hairspray. she sprays from a couple inches away and pats my hair down with her hand. with a smile, she claps her hands at herself at her victory.

"ta-da!" she sings, "good, huh?" i look at her through the mirror, and honestly all i can think about is how much that one part of my scalp aches. a lot. instead of complaining though, it actually looks good, so i nod. "yep, thanks mom!" i give her a kiss on the cheek and put on the clothes i already had prepared for today. my mom clears her throat from behind me as i'm putting on a cute, pink and fuzzy sweater over a white shirt. i turn to look at her and she's wearing a suspicious expression on her face.

"hot date i don't know about?" she squints her eyes at me and i gasp loudly and dramatically.

"no! mom, wh- i- no!" i struggle to find an excuse for wearing the outfit she picked out for me for an event we had to host in a couple of days even if she wrongfully accused me of going on a date. "i just wanna look good today." i blurt. well at least i didn't lie. she looks at me with her squinting eyes once more and walks out of my room. phew, i saved myself pretty well just now!

 

_-an hour later-_

 

my heart's dribbling in my chest racing to the end, my death. basically, i'm sitting in mrs. jeon's class, staring at the door. waiting for hyunjin to walk through the threshold and make me fall in love with his smile today like he has before every single day. gosh, when is he coming? he's always so late! just then, the door opens, giving me the view of an angel.

or at least i thought it would be, but it was just mrs. jeon walking out of the class, already so done with my loud, screeching classmates. i turn to the front of the classroom and almost laugh. on the chalkboard, in big letters, mrs. jeon wrote, "I FUCKING QUIT!" the only reason i want to laugh is because it took her three years to walk out of this hell hole. no one even noticed she walked out on us, much less what she wrote on the board. i don't blame her for quitting. hell, if i was her, i wouldn't have even applied here.

but, i can't laugh. not when hyunjin hwang just walked into the room with his backpack hanging from one shoulder, messy hair, cute nose, pink and pretty plump lips, and those soft eyes that could melt anyone's heart. and it has. my mind goes haywire, i short circuit. cause holy fuck, he's smiling at me. yeah, he smiles at me all the time, but today's the day and i'm already a nervous wreck as it is!

"i ran all the way here, 40 minutes tardy to the first class is for sure a Friday detention." hyunjin sits down in the desk next to me, "and did you see mrs. jeon running out of the class? i feel bad for her." he says, actually seeming sympathetic. it's nice to actually see a student care even a bit for her. i point at the board.

"not anymore, she finally did it." i said, somewhat forgetting my plan for today. hyunjin just chuckles, "at least she did, late's better than never i guess." i nod and clear my throat, readying myself for the confession. realizing i don't even have a speech prepared, i decide to wing it. we're friends, if i fail, i could just say i was kidding and hope he believes me.

"bro, i have something to tell you though!" hyunjin whisper-yells. he gets closer, his soft cologne washing over me, making my heart slow it's pace a little. i lean in to listen to whatever's so urgent.

"jeongin confessed to me yesterday! i'm so happy he did because i was too nervous to do it myself." he whispered into my ear, his breath tickling my skin, "he said we should get to know each other better since we haven't known each other for that long but i already like him and he already likes me so i don't see a problem with dating right now, but if he wants to wait, i can wait..." i stop listening to his giddy blabbering. he looks genuinely excited about this. i can tell he actually really likes jeongin.

he doesn't like me like that, we're obviously just friends. if i tell him, it could change everything for us. i could ruin his excitement and happiness. i don't want to be the one to ruin that for hyunjin. i love him too much for that. maybe it's better that i don't confess my true feelings to him. maybe it's for the best in the long run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic is slowly coming to an end...........
> 
> next chapter will be a "present:--" chapter seungmin pov! stay tuned lololololokokojdjewbfk
> 
> uhh anyways, thank you for reading and for the kudos!! <3


End file.
